How the Movie Mulan was Made
by Goddess of Idun
Summary: FINALLY FINISHED! A parody of the movie, rated for swearing. R&R, please!
1. Cut my hair? Are you kidding me, man?

I own the director. All the other ones – Mulan, the gang of 3, Mushu, Li Shang and so on – belong to Disney. Maybe I'll put more figures in later.

You have to excuse me for my terrible English. My brain doesn't like me.

Chapter 1 – Cut my hair? Are you kidding me, man?  
  
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mulan. She lived in China with her father, her mother, her grandma, her dog, her horse, a rooster and lots of hens. She was a perfect daughter and had very good chances to be a perfect wife... no, no, wait a minute, that was totally wrong. She was the most shameful daughter and becoming wife ever. One day, a snobbish man named Chi Fu came to Mulan's village and told the people that the Huns, with a fat (and very, _very _evil) man called Shan-Yu in the lead, had invaded China and that one man from every family had to become a soldier and join the Chinese army in the war against the Huns. The only man in Mulan's family was her father, and he was too old for fighting. So, Mulan decided to dress up herself as a man and join the army instead of her father.

"Hey, CUT!" screams Mulan. "I don't want to dress up like a sweaty soldier for that old man, he'll die soon anyway, why should I risk my life for him?"

The Director sighs. "Because he is your father, you don't want him to die, and, according to the script, you have to do it."

"Really? Can't I skip it?"

"No, you can't."

"Oh, all right then, but I don't like it", pouts Mulan.

"I don't care if you like it or not. Anyway, Mulan cut off her long, silky hair..."

"Wait a second, I like my hair!"

The Director closes his eyes. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... You get 100 000 Swedish crowns for doing this movie, so YOU HAVE TO ACT AS THE SCRIPT TELLS YOU TO ACT!"

"WHAT? I'll get Swedish crowns? I want dollars!" exclaims Mulan.

"But you'll not get dollars. We don't have any dollars to give you. Just act and do not be a baby!"

"Hrmf."

She cuts off her long, silky hair and takes her father's armour. She whistles for her horse, Khan, and rides to the Wu Zhong training camp for becoming soldiers.

Meanwhile, in the temple of the ancestors of the Fa family, the oldest ancestor wakes up and calls for Mushu, a little dragon.

"Mushu, awaken!"

Mushu wakes up and falls down to the temple floor.

"I liiiive! So tell me what mortal needs my protection Great Ancestor. You just say the word and I'm there."

"Mushu, you have to wake the ancestors, not to scream like you're trying to break everyone's eardrums."

"All right. WAAAAKE UP, SLEEPING BEAUTIES!"

The ancestors of the Fa family wake up and ask the Great Ancestor what's going on.

"Read in your scripts", answers the Great Ancestor, very irritated. "Why do you want me to tell you everything?"

The ancestors read their scripts and discuss what they should do.

"Cut! You're supposed to be struggling, not collaborate!" interrupts the Director.

"Hey, we all are over 120 and up!" Ancestor 1 sounds offended. "We are too old for struggling!"

"Yes, we aren't 10 anymore!" agrees Ancestor 2.

"I think we should let a guardian take care of Mulan", suggests Ancestor 3.

"I've got it", smiles Mushu. "Let me go."

It seems like the ancestors are thinking of it seriously.

"OK, Mushu, you can go", says the Great Ancestor at last. "But, before you leave, take this lucky bug with you as your companion. His name is Cri-Kee. Actually, I don't know if he's really IS a lucky bug, he could also be an un-lucky bug..."

The little purple cricket tells the Great Ancestor something in cricket-language. "Chirp chirp!"

"Oh? You mean you aren't a lucky bug?" asks the Great Ancestor. Then he shrugs it off. "Eh, whatever. Go now, and do your best to protect the honour of the Fa family!"

The Director looks like he's having a hard time restraining himself from choking the actors. "Gngngnnn..."

"Bye!" calls Mushu.

"Bye!" The Ancestors wave with handkerchiefs, as if they were princesses whose princes had gone off to kill a dragon. (A big dragon that is, not a wimpy little one like Mushu.)

Mulanis very close to the Wu Zhong camp, but she is taking a rest because she has to learn how to act like a man.

"Ahem, excuse me, where do I sign in?" She speaks in her best bass voice, which, to be honest, isn't much of a bass voice at all. "Hah, I see you have a sword. I have one too. They're very manly and tough!" She tries to draw her sword, but drop it to the ground and cuts herself in the finger.

"OUCH! MY FINGER!"

"That hurts", says the Director with sympathy.

"You don't have to tell me that."

"Here's some plaster."

"Thanks." She puts the plaster on her finger and looks at it with more irritation than concern. "It's going to take a miracle to heal this."

Suddenly, a voice can be heard from behind a shrubbery.

"Did I hear someone ask for a miracle? Let me hear you say aye!"

"Why, yes, I asked for a miracle... and I am too old for screaming 'aye', I'm not 10 anymore."

"Hrmf. Anyway, your ancestors have sent me to protect you as your Guardian. My name is Mushu."

"But I'm 17 years old, I don't need any Guardian, I can take care of myself."

The Director interrupts her. "CUT! Mulan, Mushu is supposed to join you as your Guardian. We have to follow the script."

"Okay..."

Mushu shows himself. "Pretty hot, huh?"

"What?" exclaims Mulan. "Am I supposed to have a _little red lizard_ as my Guardian?"

"Breath, just breath..." The Director tries to calm himself down. "Yes, you are."

"And, actually, I am a dragon", says Mushu angrily. "D-R-A-G-O-N. And this is Cri-Kee. If you think I am strange because I'm red, look at him, he's purple!"

"Chirp chirp."

"Pleasure", answers Mulan. "Well, I suppose I don't have any choice if I want you two with me or not, so, let's go folks!"

* * *

Please tell me what you think!

Goddess Of Idun


	2. Get that arrow? Are you kidding me, man?

I'm no good at English. Please forgive me.

**Chapter 2 – Get that arrow? Are you kidding me, man?**  
  
In the camp...

"Are you sure these are real men?" hisses Mulan to Mushu. "To me, they seem to be the most terrible sorts of pigs or something in that way... No, no, wait, I changed my mind, there aren't any faults in pigs..."

"Of course they are real men", whispers Mushu from inside of her pocket. "Now, you must act like them."

"I thought I was supposed to act after the script."

"You are. It was just a line."

"Ahaaaa..."

"It's okay. Look here, for example."

A tall, skinny guy, a short guy with a black eye and a guy with a big tattoo on the chest stands right before them.

"Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!" The Tattoo Guy looks very satisfied with himself.

The short guy has a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Hmmm."

The short guy punches Tattoo Guy in the stomach. He falls to the ground. The tall, skinny guy is laughing as if his life depended on it.

"Hahahaha! Hope you can get your money back! Hahaha!"

"I don't think I can do this", says Mulan nervously.

"It's all attitude", Mushu assures her. "Be tough, like this guy here."

Mushu points at the short man with the black eye.

The short guy notices Mulan watching him. "Whatt'cha looking at?"

"Punch him, it's how men say 'hello'", whispers Mushu.

Mulan punches the short guy. He grins at her.

"Oh hello little fellow! Nice to meet 'ya. I'm Yao."

The tall, skinny guy decides to present himself as well. "I'm Ling."

A VERY big man appears. "And I am Chien-Po."

Mulan scratches the back of her neck. "Er, ahem, hi guys, my name is... is... I mean..." She hisses to Mushu: "What's my name?"

"Umm... Ping, say Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up!"

"Ping! My name's Ping!"

"Hello Ping!" says Ling, Yao and Chien-Po happily.

Meanwhile, in the tent of the highest quality...

Li Shang, General Li (his father) and Chi Fu (lovely, the snobbish man again) are in the tent.

General Li is motioning with his pointer to a map of the region.

"The Huns have struck here, here and here. I will take the main troops up to the Tung Shao Pass and stop Shan-Yu before he destroys this village."

Chi Fu takes every chance to suck up to him. "Excellent strategy, Sir. I do love surprises, Ha ha, ha, ha."

Nobody's laughing.

"Ha ha...er...um..."

"Li Shang, you will stay here and train the new recruits", orders General Li. "When Chi Fu believes you're ready, you will join us...Captain."

He hands a sword to Li Shang, who stares at it.

"Captain?"

"Yes, yes, captain. Are you deaf? What a son..."

Li Shang takes a closer look at the sword.

"Cut! This is plastic!"

"I know", says the Director. "We couldn't afford real swords to everyone."

"But all the others get real swords!"

"Yes, but somebody had to get a plastic sword, and we decided to give it to you, because you would hurt yourself on a real sword."

"But how shall I kill any Huns with this?"

"You can't. You have to trust your soldiers."

"I'm never allowed to decide anything by myself. Everyone's against me, even the director. Sure the emperor is against me too", pouts Li Shang.

General Li punches Li Shang's back."Oh, c'mon, son. It's not the whole world. I have to go now. Good luck, captain."

He walks out of the tent. Chi Fu follows him.

"Yeah, yeah. 'It's not the whole world'", mimicks Li Shang to himself. "HE shouldn't say anything. HE isn't the one who is for ever doomed to fight with a plastic sword..." He looks closer at the plastic sword "... 'made in Taiwan'. Hrmf."

He exits the tent. All the recruits are playing "catch" with Chi Fu's best hat. Chi Fu is running between them, in some desperate tries to catch his hat.

"My hat! Give it to me! Give me my hat! Give it to me! Now!"

Yao has the hat for the moment. "Come and get it!"

He throws Chi Fu's hat to Ling.

"Ha! Come and get it, if you can!" laughs Ling.

Chi Fu runs toward Ling, but falls to the ground and in the mud.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" All the recruits roar with laughter.

Chi Fu crawls away from the mud.

"These aren't my last words! I'll give you for this! I'm gonna tell the emperor! I am his council! He trusts me!"

"You gossipmonger..." mutters Yao.

The Director is crying. Mulan wants dollars instead of Swedish crowns. She becomes a friend to Ling, Yao and Chien-Po immediately. The recruits are playing "catch" instead of struggling. No one's acting according to the script.

"(Sob! Sob!)Why me? Why me? Ancestors, what do you have against me? (Sob...)"

Next day, Shang begins to train the recruits.

"Soldiers! You will assemble swiftly and silently every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me."

He takes off his shirt and grabs a bow and quiver of arrows.

"Whoa, that's what a call a great physique!" Mulan says to herself.

"Ooooo, tough guy", says Yao with a smirk.

Shang points with the bow and an arrow at Yao, who suddenly looks kinda scared.

"What the heck!"

Shang shoots the arrow into the top of a high pole.

"Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow."

"I'll get that arrow pretty boy. And I'll do it with my shirt on!"

"One moment, you seem to be missing something."

Chi Fu hands Shang a weight which seems to be VERY heavy.

"This represents discipline", says Shang very authoritative.

He ties the weight to Yao's hand. It's taking Yao's arm with it to the ground.

"Ouch! My toe!"

Shang takes another weight from Chi Fu.

"And this represents strength."

He ties it to Yao's other hand. This time, whole Yao is falling to the ground. The troops laugh, "Ping" the loudest of all.

"You need both to reach the arrow."

Yao tries bravely to climb the pole, but slips down under the weight. Ling, Chien-Po and "Ping" each take their turn and fall down.

"We've got a long way to go", sighs Shang (AN: As if _he _could do it any better).

Shang throws staffs to the recruits. He starts to sing "I'll make a man out of you".

"Let's get down to business – "

He throws up two clay pots with his staff. The recruits are very impressed.

"Wow!"

" – to defeat – "

When the clay pots falls down to the ground, he breaks them with his staff. Unfortunately, they are filled with rice... Shang stops singing.

"ummm...the Huns?"

There's rice all over the camp.

Silence.

After a while "Ping" steps forward.

"Hrr-m, okay gentlemen, thanks to our new friend captain Li Shang, we'll have really fun watching him picking up every single grain of rice."

"Yay!" shout the recruits.

They spend the whole day watching Shang picking rice.

"What did I say? What did I say? Everyone's against me! Everyone!"

As I said, Shang is picking rice the whole day, so the real training can't start until next morning. Shang is in a very bad mood.

"I suppose no one has discovered an idea of reaching the arrow yet, so, let's start with the real training. Ling, you'll try breaking big stones with your head, Chien-Po, you'll run over a river by using poles, Yao, you'll cross a field while the rest of you are shooting burning arrows across it. And, Ping..."

He smiles evilly.

"You'll spend the day fighting with me. Heh heh heh."

"Ping" shrugs it off. "OK, captain. It'll be a pleasure."

Surprisingly, "Ping", Yao, Ling, Chien-Po and all the others make their tasks perfectly.

"Damn", swears Shang.

But, still anyone hasn't reached the arrow. One night, "Ping" looks at it with irritation.

"I'll get that silly little arrow, even if it'll be the last thing I do! Emmh, okay, maybe not the _last_ thing I do... hmm... hmm..."

"You, sister! I've got an idea!" says Mushu.

He whispers something in "Pings" ear.

"Great idea!" exclaims "Ping". "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

She runs to her tent and comes out with – a chainsaw.

"Ha!"

She cuts down the pole.

"RRRRR-RRR-RRRR!" says the Chainsaw.

"Timbeeeer!" shouts "Ping".

The pole falls to the ground and hits a tent. A scream can be heard.

"Oopsy Daisy", says Ping, but doesn't sound like she really regrets it.

Chi Fu crawls out of the rests of the tent. He has a huge bump on the head.

"Oh, is it only you?" says "Ping". "I thought it was someone people actually like."

"Ouch, my head, I'm gonna tell the emperor about this, be sure!"

Ping doesn't seem to care.

"Hey, wake up everybody! I've got the arrow!"

Heads poke out of the tents. Ling runs forward to "Ping" and holds "his" arm high in the air.

"Hip hip hurray for Ping!"

"Hip hip hurray!" screams the army.

Chien-Po punches "Ping's" back so that she falls to the ground. "We're proud of you, Ping."

"What was your tactic?" asks Yao.

At last, they see the fallen pole.

"Great idea, to cut it down by using a chainsaw! Why didn't _I_ think of that?" asks Ling.

"Because your 'brain' isn't capable to do such things", answers Yao helpfully.

"Why you little..."

As usual when it's about these two, Yao and Ling starts to struggle and gives each other bruises and bumps. Did I ever mention Chien-Po's highest wish is "peace in the whole world"? He likes to chant and is always trying to mediate between Ling and Yao.

"Excuse me?" interrupts Chien-Po. "Whatt'cha mean I like to chant and is always trying to mediate between those two? It's fun to see them struggle! C'mon Ling! Hit him in the eye, Yao!"

* * *

Oh, I really like writing this story! Please review.

Goddess Of Idun


	3. Show myself naked? Are you kidding me, m...

Elvis Presley belongs to himself.

**Chapter 3 – Show myself naked? Are you kidding me, man?**

It's a beautiful evening. Mulan is swimming in the lake near the Wu Zhong camp.

"Ahhh."

Mushu peeks at her from the bushes. "Who-ho-ho! What a body!"

"MUSHU! Go back and stand watch!"

"Yeah, yeah, stand watch Mushu while I blow our secret with my stupid girly habits. Humph, hygiene."

"Chirp chirp", sayss Cri-Kee, but since I don't know cricket-language, I can't explain what he's trying to tell Mushu.

Suddenly, three men (Ling, Yao and Chien-Po – predictable – to be precise) run past Mushu and he gets some boxers in the face – with red hearts on.

"Phhtf, ew!" Mushu takes a closer look at the piece of clothing, which is, said in passing, not particularly clean. "What's this? Boxers? With _red hearts_ on? Mwahahahahahaha!"

"CUT!" shouts the Director. "Mushu, you're supposed to scream 'Ah! We're doomed! There are a couple of things I know they're bound to notice!' You know, you're getting paid to act after the script, and..."

"Nag, nag, nag. Ah! We're doomed! There are a couple of things I know they're bound to notice!"

"Me first! Me first! Me first!" screams Yao, as the childish twit he is.

Ling is not much better. "Yahoo! Woho!"

Ling and Yao jumps into the water.

"Chien-Po, are you coming?" asks Ling.

"And show myself naked in a movie? Are you crazy? Forget it!"

"Don't worry, Chien-Po, Yao is the only one who really has to be naked in this scene."

"What!" exclaims Yao. "They're not going to show my...eh...you-know-what-I-mean, anyway, so I'm wearing bathing-trunks."

"Actually, Ling is right", says the Director. "Your bathing-trunks is too big, people are going to see them on the screen."

"But..."

"No 'but', in your contract it says:" He holds up Yao's film contract and reads loud. "'I promise to show myself naked in the movie, in the bath scene'."

Yao looks very confused. "Where? Let me see, I didn't read that when I signed it!"

He reads the contract.

"Oh. Look'slike you're right."

"Yup."

Yao leaves his bathing trunks on the beach and dives into the water.

"Aaaaaaaand... action!" screams the Director.

Ling, Yao and Chien-Po swim to the rock where "Ping" is hiding.

"Hello Ping!"

"Hi guys! Nice to meet 'ya, here, in the water...um...how' bout a swimming race to the rock out there?"

"Ok, I'll reach it first!" says Ling provocative.

"No, no, no...cut!" The poor Director prepares himself to explain what his actors shall do, since they obviously haven't read the script. "'Ping', you're supposed to be surprised and frightened, I mean, what if they reveal your little secret?"

"What secret?" asks the three guys curiously.

"Er...forget it", says the boy who really is a girl. "Guys! What a surprise! You almost gave me a fright!"

"Not again. Not again. This isn't happening", says the Director, trying to convince himself that it really isn't happening.

"Let's play 'King of the rock'", suggests Yao. "Well, actually, we don't have to compete, I'll win anyway..."

Yao climbs an inflatable mattress (Author's note: I don't really know what the real word is, so I wrote something that I hope you'll understand. You know, these kind of bathing toys? Rubber mattresses?) which floats on the water surface.

"Oh yeah?" smirks Ling. "Well, I think Ping and I can take you!"

"Ping" starts wading away.

"I really don't want to take him anywhere."

Ling follows her.

"Ping, we have to fight!"

"Um, no, we don't...er...look! It's Elvis Presley back from the dead!"

She points behind Ling and the others.

The three guys, who are very easy to trick, turn their heads around wildly. "Elvis? Where? Where?"

"Ping" rushes up from the water.

"Oh my Ancestors, Mushu, that was close."

"I told it was a bad idea!" hisses Mushu. "You could have taken a bath in the middle of the night when no one could see you, but noooo... you had to do it about 7 pm... hrmf. What if they had revealed you?"

Suddenly, Elvis Presley appears at the beach.

"Hi, sorry 'bout interrupting, but was I supposed to be in this chapter?"

"No, you're not supposed to come at all", snarles the now really pissed off Director. "'Ping' was just saying 'It's Elvis Presley back from the dead!' to get time to run away. And you're dead."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am NOT! I was kidnapped by cheese-smelling aliens who wanted to clone me for scientific experiments all along."

"Really? Oh, man, this explains a lot of things. Can I have your autograph?"

"Sure, why not."

Elvis signs a piece of paper and hands it to the Director.

"Here you go."

"Wow! It's Elvis' autograph! Oh my..."

The Director faints.

"Uh, boss? What about the rest of the scene?" asks "Ping".

"He" knocks the Director in the head. Nothing happens.

"Hm. Okay, let's take a break then..."

Everyone takes a break for about 3 hours, to take a nape, eat some funny sandwiches and hide the Director's bike in some bushes.

* * *

I have chapter 4 ready, but there has to be _some_ tension, right? 


	4. Gay? Me? Are you kidding me, man?

**AN: I won't update for a while. It isn't my fault. My parents want to take me and my sisters to our summer cottage, where we don't have any computer. I don't know how long it'll take until I update again. I'm so sorry and I hope you'll wait for me. (That sounded like we were in love and I was going to America for ten years or something...)**

Mervyn is mine. If you want to borrow him, please contact me!

**Chapter 4 – Gay? Me? Are you kidding me, man?**

When the Director wakes up, he can't find his bike.

"Dude, where's my bike? It was here just a few minutes ago..."

He starts seeking his bike.

"Bike, bike... where the hell is it?"

After a few hours of seeking...

It can not be here. Let's seek in the camp. Maybe I put it there."

He walks into the camp and stops a soldier.

"Excuse me, have you seen my bike? It's red and pink and yellow and turquoise, with a sign which says 'The Director Monster Bike' on it."

"Um, no, I don't think so, if I'd seen a bike which looks like that I would remember it, be sure..."

"Oh. Thanks anyway. Bye."

"Bye."

The Director walks away, and the soldier can not hold back his giggles anymore.

"Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!"

The Director turns around. The soldier stops giggling.

"Never mind, never mind, forget it, it was nothing..."

The Director turns around again and walks away.

* * *

From now on, the Director will be seeking his bike. Mushu will take his job as a director. Just so you know.

* * *

Anyway, the next day, Shang gets a letter from his father.

"So, now it's time for the weird old man to write, heh? Let's see what he's writing..."

_From General Li. _

_Dear son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass and it would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up, and since we're all out of potpourri, maybe you wouldn't mind bringing up some._

_With love, Your brave Father_

_Ps. And don't you DARE call me "weird old man"! Ds._

"Hrmf", is Shang's intelligent remark. "So, he can not even write a simple letter without bragging? 'Your brave Father'... Tsst... Well, if he wants potpourri, he'll get some. I can let the soldiers carry it."

* * *

Next day, the army sets off against the Tung Shao Pass.

"I'm getting bored of this", says Yao.

"Yeah, we've been walking for 15 minutes and still nothing has happened", agrees Ling.

"How 'bout a song?" suggests Chien-Po. "That's always cheering ME up..."

"Good idea!" exclaims Ling. "Let's take this one... you know, that depressing walk song...?"

"Oh, you mean, huh, 'For a long time we've been marching off to battle...'" tries Yao.

"Exactly. What do you think, guys?"

Soldier # 1 shrugs. "At least it can't get any worse."

Chien-Po raises an eyebrow. "Well, actually, it wasn't that kind of song I was thinking about..."

"... but I guess you are alone of that opinion", interrupts Soldier # 2. "A one, a two, a one, two, three, four..."

"For a long time we've been marching off to battle" sing the soldiers. Well, 'sing' might be the wrong word, since they all sound like dying cows…

"For a thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle", bellows Yao.

"Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore..."

'Ping' jumps in. "Hey, think of instead, a man worth fighting for!"

The soldiers blinks simultaneously. "Huh?"

"That's what I said, a man worth fighting for!"

Yao looks at 'him' curiously. "You're gay?"

'Ping' pales. "What do you mean?"

"You said 'A MAN worth fighting for' instead of 'A GIRL worth fighting for', so I wondered, are you gay?"

'Ping' starts to stutter. "I did? Um, it wasn't meant to be 'man' instead of 'girl', don't know why I sang that... guess I'm drunk."

"But are you gay or not?" asks Ling.

"Of course I'm not. Ancestors, this makes me upset. I have to calm down. Captain, give me another beer, please!"

"Sure, here you go", says Shang and hands 'him' a bottle of Heineken.

"This is against the law!" shouts Chi Fu, as the boring little prat he is. "I'm gonna tell the emperor about you, captain, that you're giving your soldiers alcoholic beverages when they are in duty!"

"Shut up, nobody cares of what you're saying anyway."

"Hrmf."

"Should we continue the song?" wonders Ling.

"No, I'm getting bored of this", answers Yao.

"Can't we drink instead?" suggests Soldier # 3.

"Yay!" shouts everyone except for Chi Fu.

"Let's get down to business, to getting drunk..." starts Shang.

"SHUT UP!"

"What?"

"If we would let you continue, you would break all the bottles!" explains 'Ping'.

* * *

After 30 minutes, the whole army is laying at the side of the road. Some of them are sleeping. Suddenly, Shang's cell phone rings. His phone signal is 'The Tetris song'.

"The Tetris song, the Tetris song, the Tetris song!" sings the cell phone. Shang picks it up and answers in a drunken slur.

"Uh, hello?"

_"Where the heck are you?"_ demands General Li. _"My men are crying for potpourri up here!_"

Shang's getting sober immediately.

"Uh, yeah dad, we're coming, we're just getting braked (AN: I really hope I got that right) for the moment..."

_"Oh really? Could I ask why?"_

"Um, eh, yes, I mean, uh..."

_"Oh, never mind. Just hurry up!"_

"CLICK", says Shang's cell phone happily as General Li hangs up.

"Hm, maybe that was a good idea, after all", says Shang to himself. By the way, you do know that speaking to one self is the first sign of insanity, don't you? "Men! Wake up! We're moving out!"

"Huh..." slur the soldiers.

"What does he mean 'We're moving out'?" groans Yao. "Bet he's speaking in the sleep..."

"Of course I'm not speaking in the sleep, I'm awake, c'mon now! Up and stand!"

"Captain, it seems like many of the men aren't capable to move a muscle because of YOU and your alcoholic bevera..." Guess who said that.

"Yes, yes, I've heard that. Well, if they're too drunk to walk, it's easy to fix."

"Really now? Could I ask how?"

"No you can't. I do not care about you anyway."

Shang picks up his cell phone and pushes some buttons.

"BEEP BEEP", says the cell phone, and continues with a "CLICK" when someone answers.

_"You've come to Rent-A-Bus-And-Pizza..."_ says the Voice in the phone.

"... you're renting out _pizzas_?" asks Shang, perplexed.

"_Nah, not really, but there already was a registered company named Rent-A-Bus. Anyway, my name's Mervyn, how can I help you?"_

"Your name's MERVYN?"

_"Yes"_, sighs the Voice.

"MERVYN? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

_"People always react that way! Could I help my parents had a bad taste?"_

"No of course not, I'm sorry... Mervyn...heh heh heh! Oops, sorry again, uhm, eh, why did I call you? Oh yeah, I'd like to rent a bus for about, eh, 40 persons."

_"That's impossible. We only have buses for 25,78 persons."_

"How 'bout a double decker?"

_"Well, it could work... did you say 40?"_

"Yes."

_"I think that will work."_

"Perfect. Send a double decker to the Eiffel Tower in 30 minutes."

_"You're at the Eiffel Tower?"  
_  
"No, not really... actually, I don't know exactly where we are, about a few miles from The Burned Village, I'd guess."

_"North or South?"_

"South-south west."

_"Okay. Don't worry, we'll find you."_

"Great! Bye!"

_"Bye!"_

"CLICK", says Shang's cell phone proudly.

"So, all we can do now is wait", is Shang's very smart conclusion.

Suddenly, a big red tour bus with the text 'In Mulan's footsteps' on it comes forward. It stops and a lot of Japanese people rushes out and start taking pictures of the army.

"Hey, STOP!" yells Mushu angrily. "The movie isn't finished yet! Go back to Japan and take your stupid cameras with you!"

"Ohhhhh..." says the Japanese people (in Japanese, of course, so those of you who don't understand Japanese are not meant to understand that).

They drive away in the red bus.

"Now where's OUR bus?" wonders Shang impatiently.

A very loud noise can be heard behind some big rocks.

"BR-M, BR-M!"

A rainbow-coloured double decker turns around the corner and stops straight in front of Chi Fu's face.

"Eeeeek!" says the rainbow-coloured double decker.

"Eeeeep!" says Chi Fu and faints.

"Yay!" shout the soldiers.

A short man with a big rainbow-coloured moustache comes out from the bus.

"Hi, I'm Mervyn."

The army stares at him. "MERVYN? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, not again..."

Shang clears his throat. "Silence, everybody! We have to be kind to Mervyn. It isn't his fault that his parents had a bad taste... Mervyn... he he he... oops, sorry Mervyn!"

"I'll forgive you. For this time."

"Anyway, what's the cost? I mean, for renting the bus?"

"1000 Swedish crowns per kilometre. And 2000 as a permanent cost."

Shang's face now resembles a tomato. "Gngngngngn... okay, that's enough! Cut! Why the heck are we using Swedish crowns in this stupid movie? I mean, if we compare with the American dollar, it isn't worth anything." (Authors Note: In the moment I write this, it goes about 8 Swedish crowns on one American dollar, and about 14 on an English pound. I've checked. You have to hang with the stock exchange when you live in a country with a weak value.)

"It isn't my fault, you should talk to the real Director about that!" Mushu sounds offended. "I'm just a substitute!"

"But I can't talk to the real Director, he has disappeared."

"Bet he's seeking his bike..." mumbles Soldier # 11.

Shang raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"Um, nothing", hurries Soldier # 38. "Never mind. He's drunk, he does not know what he's saying."

"Oh. Okay then. Well, let's get into the bus!"

All the soldiers want to sit on the second floor. But there isn't room for everybody. They begin to fight about the best places.

"Quiet!" yells Mervyn. "How 'bout we organize this on a simple way: Captain Li Shang, I, Chi Fu and soldiers # 1 to # 20 on the first floor and soldiers # 21 to # 38 on the second floor..."

"Yay!" scream Soldiers # 1 - # 20.

"SHUT UP, MERVYN!" scream Soldiers # 21 - # 38.

"Poor me", sighs Mervyn. There's always someone who hates me."

* * *

Sorry all Mervyns and Japanese people out there. Remember, this whole thing is a big joke...

Don't forget to review!

Goddess of Idun


	5. You're not rich? Are you kidding me, man...

I'm back just for a couple of days. Wanted to stay here in town, but... Typical conversation between me and my mum:

"I can't go to the cottage! I have my duties against the readers!"

"C'mon Sara (my real name), the weather is wonderful and it's summer! You can not stay here in town for the whole holiday!"

"Wonderful weather! It's raining!"

"Well, on TV they said it would be wonderful..."

And so on. The point is, I lost.

Thanks for all your reviews! And, **alibi girl**, as an answer on your question, I made general Li write a letter 'cause 'he' does that in the movie. Just so you know. Well, on with the story!

Robin Hood and his merry men belong to Howard Pyle. (Well, to be really honest, they come from a lot of legends and fairy tales, it's just that Howard Pyle wrote a real book about them…)

**Chapter 5 – You're not rich? Are you kidding me, man?**  
  
After 2 hours of struggling about the best places, Shang, Chi Fu and Mervyn sit on the first floor, while all the soldiers sit on the second floor, even if there is no room for them all. Don't ask me how they managed. Anyway, the double decker hasn't droved so far before it stops again.

"Not again", groans Shang. "What's the problem now?"

"There are somebody on the road", answers Mervyn.

And, actually, there are a few men in brown and green tricots on the road. One of them steps forward. He seems to be the leader, 'cause he has a red feather in his hat, and the others have yellow feathers.

"Stop, in the name of King Arthur!" he shouts.

The Chinese army, Mervyn, Shang and Chi Fu come out from the bus.

"Who's King Arthur?"

"You know, King Arthur..."

"Nope, we don't know King Arthur."

"He with the magic sword, Excalibur..." The guy with a red feather in his hat starts to sound impatient.

"Nope, no little bells are ringin'", shrugs the Chinese people.

"And a wizard friend named Merlin..."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, WE DON'T KNOW YOUR DARN KING ARTHUR!"

The man with the red feather holds up his hands before him. "Okay, okay, just take it easy! Anyway, I'm Robin Hood. And these are my merry men. The fat one is Little John and the one with a halo is Brother Tuck. It doesn't matter who the others are."

"I'm Captain Li Shang", says Shang. "This is Mervyn. And this is the best army in whole China. The gay soldier in green armour is Ping, the soldier which is fatter than Little John is Chien-Po, the tall, skinny one is Ling and the short one with a black eye is Yao. It doesn't matter who the others are."

"Wait a second, what about me?" says Chi Fu (who else?) in a very offended tone.

"?" asks Shang politely.

"I am the Emperor's council! I am Chi Fu! I am a lot more important than you, it DOES matter who I am!"

"For the last time, we KNOW you are the emperor's council, it's just that that we don't care", explains Soldier # 9..

"That's it! I don't want to talk to you anymore! I'm going into the bus!"

"Yay!" everyone shout, including Robin Hood and his merry men.

"So, now when he's gone, let's get down to business", says Robin Hood in a business-like tone.

"Hey, that's my line!" exclaims Shang.

Robin Hood raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean _your_ line? Have you written your name on it maybe?"

"No, but I invented it."

"You didn't!" exclaims Mushu. "It was written in the script! You didn't invent it at all!"

"But..."

"No 'but'."

Shang pouts. "Hrmf."

"Anyway, are you rich?" wonders Robin Hood.

"What?" asks 'Ping'.

"Are you rich?"

"What do you mean 'are you rich'?" asks Yao (AN: my, those Chinese people aren't very smart, now are they?).

"Aha. I see. You don't know what we're here for."

"Nope, we don't", answers 'Ping'.

"You see, we steal from the rich and give to the poor", explains Robin Hood. "We feel really sorry for them."

"The poor?" asks Chien-Po.

"No, the rich", says Little John. "I guess that it's not very fun for them when we steal their things."

"Oh."

Brother Tuck repeats the question. "But, are you rich or not?"

"What'll happen if we say yes?" wonders Ling.

"We rob you", says Robin Hood.

"In that case, we aren't rich", answers Shang. (as if they're going to believe him)

"Oh yeah, right", snickers Robin Hood. "You have an own bus and everything, you _sure_ aren't rich."

"Um, guys, I guess that caustic manner in his voice means he doesn't believe us", whispers Shang to Mervyn and the army.

"You sure?" The sarcasm in Mervyn's voice is hard to miss. "What shall we do?"

Yao jumps up and down with his arm in the air, as if they were in school. "I know, I know!"

"What?" everyone ask (except R. H. and his merry men, which cannot hear them).

"How 'bout, we point behind them and scream: 'Look, a pink elephant!' And when they turn around, we jump into the bus and drive away very fast."

Ling shakes his head. "Nah, I don't think they are very interested in pink elephants."

"How 'bout an orange elephant?"

"Oh, be quiet..."

"Can't we just beat them up?" suggests Chien-Po.

"Nah, they have bows, you know", says Shang. "We'd be full of arrows before we could say: 'Holy shit!' if they begin to suspect something."

"Oh yeah", nods Soldiers # 6 – 15.

The Chinese people think about it for a while, and Robin Hood and his merry men start wondering what the heck they're talking about.

"What the heck are they talking about?" asks Merry man # 3.

"I have NO idea", answers Merry man # 2.

"Really?" Merry man # 8 raises his eyebrows. "That's a BIG surprise..."

"Hey, I heard that!"

"Englishmen!" interrupts Robin Hood. "Stop this struggling between ourselves and think about these Chinese dudes. You think they're trying to fool us in some way?"

"Well, we all know that the Chinese people aren't very smart", says Brother Tuck. "I don't think they could ever come up with the IDEA to do something like that..."

"But what if they're telling the truth? What if they really aren't rich?" asks Little John.

Robin Hood rolls his eyes. "Well duh, Little John. They have their own bus!"

"But maybe they used their last money to rent it?" Little John points out.

"You know, boss, he's got a point there" nods Merry man # 5.

"Mmm. Okay. Maybe you're right. Let's go rob the emperor!"

"Yay!" they all shout.

Robin Hood and his merry men leave the place and head for the subway. But that's another story. Anyway, the Chinese people are so busy thinking of a plan, they don't notice Robin Hood and his merry men leaving.

* * *

2 hours later...

* * *

"Ooooh!" groans Chien-Po. "I'm so tired of this! We've been working with it for hours and we still haven't got a plan!"

"Maybe we just could jump into the bus and drive away...?" suggests 'Ping'.

"Hey, that was my idea!" exclaims Yao.

"Nope, it wasn't. I haven't mentioned a silly elephant."

Ling turns to Shang. "What do you think, boss?"

"Well, it seems like there's nothing else to do, so let's go then!"

The Chinese people make themselves ready to run to the bus. But, when 'Ping' turns 'his' head to the left to check out what Robin Hood and his men are doing, 'he' notices they aren't there anymore.

"Hey guys! That king Arthur-freak and his pals have disappeared!"

"Holy crap!" yells Ling. "So we've been standing here for hours thinking of a plan, for nothing!"

"Yep, looks like you're right."

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! ¤¨§£"""&/-!('½¤¤'$!" is Yao's intelligent answer to that.

* * *

I'm so pleased with this chapter. Please review!

Goddess of Idun


	6. My father's dead? Are you kidding me, ma...

Thank you so much for all the reviews. I've been walking around smiling for days! And, **alibi girl**, did you want me to use Puss in boots instead of Robin Hood? I didn't really understand that...

Pocahontas belongs to Disney (well, actually, she _has _existed, so to be completely correct, she belongs to herself).

**Chapter 6 – My father's dead? Are you kidding me, man?**

After 2½ hours in the bus...

"Are we there yet?" asks Shang.

"No, there are still 4 or 5 kilometres to the Burned Village", answers Mervyn.

"Depressing name, 'The Burned Village'", says 'Ping'. "Why is it called that?"

"It's burned", explains Chien-Po.

"Aha."

Suddenly...

"Eeeeeeeeek!" says the bus.

Everyone is thrown forward and gets pressed against the bus's window. It takes about 15 minutes before they have sorted themselves out.

"Okay, lemme guess", sighs Soldier # 25. "There's somebody on the road again?"

"Oh yes", answers Soldier # 32.

On the road there's a girl in a very small dress, with bare feet and long black hair. She looks like she's freezing.

"Whoa mama!" shout everybody except 'Ping'.

They run out of the bus and surround her. Only 'Ping' stays.

"Hrmf."

Ling kisses the girl's hand. "And who may this beautiful lady be?"

The girl slaps him. "Don't touch me, you perv! I'm Pocahontas and I'm freezing my butt off. I hate this place."

Everyone let go of Pocahontas.

Yao looks surprised. "Pocahontas? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the other side of the ocean, at that America place!"

Shang nods. "Yeah, and where is your boyfriend, that Smith guy? You two are supposed to be in love!"

Pocahontas raises an eyebrow. "Oh, you mean Johnnie-boy? I dumped him. He smells awful and he's getting acne all over his body. He's really egoistic too, never allowed me to hold the remote control."

"Oh, you poor thing", says Chien-Po sympathetically.

He reaches out his hand to touch her shoulder.

"What did I say about touching me?" hisses Pocahontas.

She shoots knifes from her eyes (not literally, you morons! That'd look pretty silly, wouldn't it?). All the guys seem to have lost their sexual interest in Pocahontas. In fact, they look kinda scared of her.

"Eh, um, so what's the reason you're here? I guess you're not here just for the fun of it..." says Shang in a small voice.

"Fun? You think this is FUN? To be surrounded by a bunch of Chinese pervs in an ice-cold landshape? Jerk. No, actually I'm here to tell ya that your father died."

Shang raises his eyebrows. "No shit? Oh well. I never really liked him."

"Oh, this is terrible!" whines Chi Fu. "When I've told the emperor about this... those Huns are so dead!"

"Wait a sec, who said the Huns killed him?" asks Pocahontas.

"They didn't? I thought that was obvious. Well, if it weren't them, then who is responsible for the general's death?"

"Actually, it was his own fault. He and his men were playing with fireworks and, you know... accidents happen."

"Gosh. And I really admired that man", says Soldier # 31 offended, as if General Li died just to irritate him.

"I agree", mutters Soldier # 2.

Ling clears his throat. "But, if we already know that the general-guy and his companions have said bye-bye and have had a welcome-to-death-party with their ancestors, why are we heading for The Burned Village? Couldn't we take a short-cut to the capital? (AN: I must admit that I have NO idea what the real name is. Guess it isn't the same as now.)"

"Well, I think that's a pretty good idea", agrees Mervyn. "How about –"

"Quiet and listen!" interrupts Yao. "What's that?"

Everyone listens. In the distance, they hear a noise.

"B-RM, B-RM!"

Suddenly, a bunch of snow scooters appears between two mountains.

"Eeeek! It's the Huns!" squeals Chi Fu and hides in the bus, shaking with fear, as the coward he is."Crap, do they look aggressive or what!" exclaims Pocahontas. "I'm getting the hell outta here."

She disappears in a puff of smoke.

Soldier # 27 stares at the spot where she was two seconds ago. "My, how did she do that?"

Soldier # 15 rolls his eyes. "Well, this is a movie, duh. Everything's possible."

'Ping' is coming out of the bus. "Look! They're getting closer!"

The Huns' snow scooters are very fast. They're now so close that the Chinese people can see their faces. They look very evil.

"Umm... does anybody have a plan?" wonders Shang.

Yao jumps up and down, with his hand in the air, as if they were in school. "How 'bout, we point behind them and scream: 'Look, a pink elephant!' And when they turn around –"

Soldier # 23 smacks his head and he faints.

"Good work soldier!" exclaims Shang.

"Why, oh why did I buy a silly horse instead of a cool snow scooter?" 'Ping' asks 'himself'.

Khan glares at 'him'.

"What are we going to do?" wonders Chien-Po desperately. "The Huns will be here any second!"

Everyone starts thinking of a plan. Strangely enough, though the Huns are getting closer every second, they never reach the army and Mervyn.

After 24 minutes and 33 seconds, Mushu has had enough.

"Oh ancestors, don't you ever use your braincells? If you can't think of a plan, read in your scripts what to do!"

"Man, that's smart!" says Chien-Po happily.

"Really?" mutters Mushu. "Very intelligent opinion... Moron."

"This script-thing would have come in handy in the last chapter", says Shang as he brows his way through the script.

Everyone, even the Huns, read in their scripts.

Ling points at a page. "Hey, here it's written that we should use lighters to melt the snow, then they can't reach us with their snow scooters. (AN: Maybe snow scooters are able to work at least a little bit on bare ground also... I don't know. Anyhow, the Hun's snow scooters can't.)"

"That's a great idea!" shouts Mervyn. "I think I even have some lighters in the bus. Wait a minute."

He rushes to the bus and comes back with precisely enough lighters for all of them, including Yao, who has woken up. Everybody wants a red one, 'cause the yellow ones are ugly. Unfortunately, there're only 6 red lighters for 41 persons. A fight about the red lighters starts.

"Knock it off!" screams Mushu. "Let's give the red ones to Shang, Ling, Yao, Chien- Po, Ping and Mervyn, 'cause they have bigger roles than the rest of you."

"Yay!" yells Shang, Ling, Yao, Chien-Po, 'Ping' and Mervyn.

"Ohhh..." says everyone else.

Meanwhile, the Huns are discussing the Chinese people's plan.

"It's not fair!" exclaims Hun # 4. "Do we ever use lighters against them? Huh? Do we? Do we?"

"You're right, but on the other hand, we _are_ invading their country" objects Hun # 1..

"Hey, which side are you on?"

"Traitor!" yells Hun # 17.

Hun # 1 wrinkles his forehead. "Why you little..."

"Shut UP!" shouts Shan-Yu. Under his breath, he mumbles something about 'migraine'. "We have more important things to discuss than that! Do you understand?"

Hun # 1, 4 and 17 bow. "Yes, your evilness."

"But, what shall we do?" asks Hun # 10.

"We'll take them by surprise. Let's attack_ before_ they have time to melt the snow. Ready? CHARGE!"

Shan-Yu and his men drive down the hill.

Ling points to them. "Look! There they come!"

"What're you waiting for? Melt the snow!" screams Shang.

The Chinese people melt the snow with their lighters. Suddenly, 'Ping' drops 'his' lighter.

"Ouch! I burned my finger!"

No one pays attention to what 'he's' saying. They have finished the snow-melting task.

"Now get into the bus! Quickly!" orders Shang.

Everyone rushes into the bus and watches as the Huns are getting closer.

Hun # 13 makes a funny face. "Damnit, they were faster than us!"

"D'oh!" exclaims Hun # 7, as the Simpsons-fan he is.

They don't have time to brake before they're stuck on bare ground. The Chinese people dance a victory dance in the bus.

"VICTORY!"

* * *

That's it. I hope you liked it.

Idun


	7. The gay guy's a girl? Are you kidding me...

Sorry for not updating, I've been to southern Sweden, Denmark and Germany for a while with my family. By the way, it rained almost every day. The only really hot and sunny day was when we were at Legoland, a Danish amusement park. I burned my shoulders. (pouts)

Sorry all Spice Girls-fans out there reading this. And I have nothing against homosexuality. And I know that all transvestites aren't gay, and that guys can have painted fingernails without being gay, and so on. This story is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

I found the lyrics of _Wannabe _at www. letssingit. com. Leave out the spaces. Great site, they have almost any song lyrics there.

**Chapter 7 – The gay guy's a girl? Are you kidding me, man?**

The Huns are having a huge problem getting their snow scooters back on the snow that they don't notice when the Chinese army drives away in their rainbow-coloured bus.

Shang tries to speak with a commanding voice. "Soldiers!"

Mervyn clears his throat. "H-hm."

"... and Mervyn. We have defeated Shan-Yu!"

"Yay!" screams the army and Mervyn.

"Now, we're heading for the Imperial city, where we will kiss the emperor's butt!" (AN: not literally, that's just gross.)

"Yay!"

"And then –"

"Wait a sec, what about my finger?" interrupts 'Ping'.

"?" they all ask.

"I burned it while using my lighter!"

"You know what? We don't care", Soldier # 5 informs 'him'.

"Actually, Ping IS a member of the team", objects Yao. "It's our duty to help each other."

"He's right", says Shang. "Ping, take off your glove!" (AN: I may haven't mentioned it before, but everyone in this film wear gloves. That's because they are so scared of being infected by mysterious and dangerous diseases. Chickens. Oh, who am I kidding? I confess, I came up with it right now.)

'Ping' suddenly sounds very nervous. "Eh... do I have to?"

Shang shrugs. "Well, you asked for help, now you're getting it. Does anybody have some Salvekvick?" (AN: Salvekvick's a kind of plaster.)

"Here", says Mervyn and waves with a packet of plaster. "I always have. You never know what could happen in a bus."

"Makes sense", mumbles Ling.

'Ping' takes slowly and reluctant off 'his' glove. Suddenly...

"Hey, you've got painted nails!" exclaims Yao.

"I have?" says 'Ping' nervously.

"Yes! Look!" Ling points to 'his' hand.

Everybody looks at 'Pings' fingernails.

Yao raises his hand in a gesture of victory. "A-HA! Transvestite! I told you so!"

Chien-Po's eyes widen. "Wow, you really ARE gay!"

'Ping' panics. "No, I'm not! I'm not even a man! I'm a girl!"

"Ping, it's OKAY", assures Ling. "You don't have to lie about it. I have nothing against homosexuality."

"Me neither", says Chien-Po.

"Nor me", says Mervyn.

"I have..." mutters Shang.

"But it's true! I really am a girl! And I'll prove it!" shouts 'Ping'.

'He' rushes away to 'his' backpack and starts seeking through it. "Aha!"

'He' hands something to Shang. "My library card!"

Shang reads loud from the card. "'_Fa Mulan. Gender: Woman. Owes the library: 734 Swedish crowns and 50 öre.'_ (AN: It goes 100 öre on one crown.) Wow, that's pretty much... even if we compare with dollars."

"Lemme see, lemme see!" says Soldier # 20 and snatches the library card from Shang."He's right. Are you sure you can afford that, Ping?"

Now, Mulan looks truly desperate. "Arghhh! For the last time, I'm a GIRL! That's what makes sense! And my name's not Ping but Mulan!"

Ling holds up his hands, as if to defend himself. "Oh, touchy, touchy."

"Well captain, you know what to do in a situation like this!" says Chi Fu with a commanding voice.

Shang scratches his head. "Eh... no."

"Gosh! Am I the only one here who knows the law?"

"Yes, you are", confirms Mervyn.

"Hrmf. Anyway..."

Chi Fu grabs a very big book out of nowhere. On it, it's written: _Very silly laws of China_. He flips the pages.

"Here's the right page."

Soldier # 1 points at the book. "You don't know the law, as you said you did! You need a book! Ha ha!"

"Shut up and listen! _'When an inhabitant of China doesn't pay what he or she owes the library, there has to be a punishment. The criminal has to be locked in into a very small, uncomfortable house which is made out of concrete and forced to listen to Spice Girls for a whole day.'_ Oh my..."

Mulan pales. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please, spare me, spare me! I promise to be nice and pay all my debts! Please, PLEASE don't do this!"

Ling makes a grimace. "Captain, I think this is a bit too cruel!"

Shang wrinkles his forehead, as if in deep thought. (Which he probably is, as stupid as he is.) "Well..."

Chi Fu sticks his chin in the air. "I think it's her own fault. She had her chance and blew it."

"But..." tries Yao.

"No 'buts'. Stop the bus, Mervyn!"

Mervyn sighs and stops the bus, just beside a very small house made of concrete, which seems very uncomfortable.

Chi Fu brightens up. "Perfect! Let's lock in the criminal here."

Two of the soldiers (number 6 and number 22 to be precise) drag Mulan into the house.

Soldier # 6 gives a sad smile. "Sorry old fella', we have our orders."

"This is harder for us than for you", says Soldier # 22. "Well, maybe not..."

They close the door. Mulan bangs on it but there's no answer.

"Nooo! My life's over! I am too young to die! Why did I ever sign that movie contract anyway? Why? WHY?"

She forgets her dilemma for a moment and tries to remember why she signed the contract.

"Ah, I remember. To get rich and famous, that's it."

In the same second, _Wannabe_ starts.

"_Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha."_

"AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHH!" screams Mulan (and I understand her).

She tries to cover her ears with her hands, but realizes that she can't stop the sound from reaching her sensitive eardrums.

"This is... without hesitation... the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me... I'm going to – what's that?"

She sees a cord (AN: I really hope I used the right word...) stuck into an electrical outlet in the wall. She crawls to it and pulls it out. The music stops.

"Wow! I did it! I killed the music! I am the best! Woho! Victory!"

After dancing a victory dance – pretty much like the one the army danced after beating the Huns – Mulan decides that she have to get out.

"I have to get out."

She bangs the door once again. Nothing. Then she tries to pull the door knob. The door opens. It wasn't locked.

"Cool!"

She walks out and hotwires a Very Groovy Car, and drives away.

By now, the Readers have had enough (and who can blame them?). "Hey, wait a sec, where did the Very Groovy Car come from?"

Goddess of Idun tries to sound innocent. "Don't ask me, _I'm_ not in control of this story. The weird voices only I can hear are."

"Oh."

* * *

Wow, I really did use many (AN):s in this chapter...

I will update as soon as I can, I promise!

Idun


	8. Jack's dying? Are you kidding me, man?

Back to the summer cottage. (sigh) So I won't update for a while.

Thanks for all your reviews! And, **HayLin4**, well, Spice Girls aren't that bad, I do have to admit, but I just don't like them. It's their attitude I guess, first they could walk through fire and water for each other – oh, we are best friends and so on – and look what happened. The music could be better, but it could also be much worse. I did apologize in last chapter, and, as I've said before, do not take this too seriously.

I do not own _Titanic_, and I know that the scenes from that film will come in no order in this chapter.

**Chapter 8 – Jack's dying? Are you kidding me, man?**  
  
Most of the Huns have given up their attempts to free their snow scooters from bare ground. Only Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12 are still trying. All the others are watching _Titanic_ on a portable TV.

"Awww! They are so cute!" woos Hun # 8.

"Yeah, I love this scene", agrees Hun # 19. "'Jack! I'm flying! I'm flying!' Adorable."

Hun # 1 has a dreamy (and silly)smile plastered on his face. "This is my favourite movie. I could be watching it for years and never get tired of it."

"Oh, look! Dolphins!" Hun # 10 points out.

Hun # 11 waves to them. "Hello-o! How 'bout a little help here?"

"Yeah, can't you give us a hand?" agrees Hun # 3.

"Shut up! Can't you see we're watching a movie?" hisses Hun # 20.

"He's right! A little respect, please!" says Hun # 14.

"Men! I command you to stop watching that silly film and help us with our scooters! Now!" commands Shan-Yu.

"Nope", says Hun # 19.

"What do you mean 'nope'?"

"We're striking."

Shan-Yu's getting quite bewildered. "Striking? Why?"

"It's about those Chinese people melting the snow", explains Hun # 14. "In our contract it says: (reads loud from his contract which appears out of nowhere) _'Snow all the way.'_ See? Very clearly. And there isn't snow all the way, so Walt Disney Pictures lies in our contracts. Therefore, we're striking."

Shan-Yu is very confused. "But... but... that's not fair!"

"Boss, life isn't fair. Learn that", says Hun # 5.

"But how shall I now take over China?"

"That's your problem", shrugs Hun # 8. "Be quiet now... Oh no! They're crashing into the ice mountain!"

Hun # 13 shivers in fear. "This is the scary part, I do not have the courage to watch it. Tell me when it's over!"

He hides behind his snow scooter. Shan-Yu stares at him and the other Titanic-watchers, dumbfounded. Then, someone touches his shoulder. He turns around and sees Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12.

"Don't worry, boss, we're still with you", says Hun # 18.

"Yeah, we won't leave you", assures Hun # 3.

Shan-Yu is touched. He starts to cry. "You won't? (sob) That's so sweet, I really appreciate that (sob)"

"Oh, you didn't think that we'd abandon you that easy, did you? After all, you are our leader", says Hun # 11.

Hun # 12 nods. "You've done so much for us, the least we can do is helping you in this bad situation."

"Boooohoohooo! (sob) Thanks guys. You're the (sob) best! Bohoo!"

Hun # 16 gasps. "No! That guy shot the poor one who just wanted to reach the lifeboats!"

"That's so mean!" exclaims Hun # 15.

Hun # 17 looks at Hun # 2 uncertainly. "... # 2, why are you vomiting behind the sofa?" (AN: Yes, they have a big red sofa... appeared out of nowhere, just like everything else in this meaningless story.)

"I... can't... stand… seeing... blood... (globb) (glurp)"

"Gross!" say all the Huns.

In the same second, about 200 meters away, Mulan's driving past in her Very Groovy Car. She spots the Huns and brakes.

"Gosh, it's the Huns! What're they watching?"

She's very curious and creeps closer.

"Oh boy! _Titanic_! My favourite movie!"

She walks to the sofa where the Huns are sitting.

"Hey guys, could you move a little? I wanna watch too!"

Hun # 1 looks up. "Sure, ma'am. Guys! Make room for the lady!"

The Huns make room for Mulan and they all watch _Titanic_, except for Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 11, 12 and 18.

"No, no, no...STOP!" screams Mushu. "This is wrong! I cannot forbid you from striking, but Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12 are supposed to continue their journey against the Imperial City and you, Mulan, will discover them and rush to warn the Chinese army!"

"But I'm watching a movie!" objects Mulan. "And why should I warn those bastards, they forced me to listen to Spice Girls!"

The Huns gasp.

"They did? That's torture!" says Hun # 23.

"Well, I must admit they did, but they didn't do it just to be mean. It was their duty",sighs Mushu. "And, may I remind you of your contract, Mulan?"

"What about it?"

Mushu holds up Mulan's contract and reads loud.

"'_I promise to warn the Chinese army'._ Ha!"

"Nag, nag, nag. Okay then. But will you please let me watch the movie to the end first? It's not that much left."

Mushu sighs. "All right. But just for this time."

Right then, Hun # 14 makes a strange shrieking sound. "Ancestors! Jack's drowning!"

"He's not drowning, you jerk", snarls Hun # 9. "He's freezing to death."

"That doesn't matter! The point is, Jack's dying!" yells Hun # 5.

"NOOOO!" screams everyone but Mushu, Shan-Yu and Huns # 3, 11, 12 and 18.

They start to cry.

Hun # 21 is soaked with tears. "Why? (sob) WHY?"

"So beautiful... (sob) and so... (sob) sad! Bohohooo!" cries Hun # 20.

By Hun # 5's looks, you could think his life is over. "Now I really know...(sob) the true meaning of (sob) 'grief'! Boohooo!"

Mushu's becoming very impatient. "Yes, yes, it's very sad, but how 'bout a little _acting_? After all, that's what we're here for!"

Mulan blows her nose on Hun # 9's coat. "I... (sob) ... can't act right now... (sob) I'm too upset."

Mushuscreams out in frustration. "Aaarrgghhh! We've been wasting a FORTUNE on this scene, and for what? Nothing really happened!"

"Yes, it did!" objects Hun 14. "Jack died, remember?"

Mushu rolls his eyes. "Well, duh! He dies every time you watch that movie!"

Hun # 14 gets a look of absolute horror. "HE DOES?"

Then he faints.

* * *

Wow, this was a short chapter... Updating as soon as I can.

Idun


	9. The Huns are back? Are you kidding me, m...

Hello again! I'm back! Wee! I've had quite boring in our summer cottage, watching out for the mosquitoes, watching the rain and making bracelets out of yarn... You want one? Please leave a review and I'll send you one. No, really! I've got a BIG bunch of bracelets which I just wanna get rid of. Tell me your address and you'll get one.

Five minutes ago, when I read your reviews for the 1000:th time, I discovered that I haven't answered a question from **Jhs Rockerbaby** – "how did you come up with Robin Hood in ch. 5?" Well, I'd just read _Ivanhoe_ by Walter Scott where R. H. appears, called Locksley most of the time. I got the idea from there.

I don't like Metallica, but you who do like them, as I said, take this as a joke.

Ooops, seems like I'm rambling. On with the story, and, as always, I apologize for my bad grammar!

Chapter 9 – The Huns are back? Are you kidding me, man?  
  
Mushu gives the Huns and Mulan 42 ½ minutes to cry out their grief over Jack's death.

"WHAT?" exclaims Mushu. "Excuse me, Idun, but I'm _not_ going to sit here and listen to these crybabies for 43 minutes!"

Not 43 minutes. 42 ½.

"It doesn't matter! I won't do it!" Mushu crosses his arms stubbornly.

Ohhh... Please?

"No."

35 minutes?

"6."

28.

"14."

22.

"19."

Deal.

Okay, let's take it from the beginning. Mushu gives the Huns and Mulan 19 minutes to cry out their grief over Jack's death.

"Is it okay if I listen to music at the same time?" asks Mushu.

Well, if you have a freesty...

Mushu drags a gigantic stereo out of nowhere and starts listen to Metallica from loudspeakers as big as tractor wheels, while singing surprisingly false.

"THUNDER AND LIGHTNING THE GODS TAKE REVENGE, SENSELESS DESTRUCTION, VICTIMS OF FURY ARE COWARDLY NOW, RUNNING FOR SAFETY, STABBING THE HARLOT TO PAY FOR – "

"No no no!" shouts the author and stomps on the stereo. The music stops.

"No! What was that for? You said it was okay to listen to music!" pouts Mushu.

Not Metallica. Try Mozart or Vivaldi next time.

"Hrmf."

Mushu's sulking for 19 minutes. Then...

"Okay, I'm ready to continue with the movie," says Mulan. "What exactly IS your Evil Plan, Shan-Yu?"

Shan-Yu goes into one of his 'explaining moods'. "Well, I'm planning to arrive at the emperor's palace and beat the cr-p outta him. Then I will control China, and then Asia, and then the ENTIRE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

He runs around in pathetic circles, laughing manically.

Mulan raises an eyebrow. "Cool. So, I'll just catch up with the army and tell 'em that?"

"Yep", answers Mushu.

"Okay. Hey, Shan-Yu! Want a ride?"

"Sure. Can # 3, 11, 12 and 18 come too?"

"But of course they can. Just get into my Very Groovy Car."

They all – included Mushu – get into Mulan's Very Groovy Car and drive away. In the same second as they disappear behind some trees, the Director shows up. (Yay! The Director's back!)

"I just don't understand this!" exclaims the Director, and waves his hands, very frustrated. "First, my bike disappears and I look for it for ages. Then, when I finally give up, my Very Groovy Car's gone too! There must be some kleptomaniac around..."

He leaves again, looking very confused.

"Poor guy", says Hun # 9.

"He really doesn't deserve this", agrees Hun # 22.

"You think we should tell him the truth?" wonders Hun # 21.

Pause.

"Naaahhhhhh!" say all of the Huns.

* * *

Mulan stops the Very Groovy Car. "Okay guys, I think you should walk from here. It does not look too good if I give you a ride and the others see it."

"You're right", agrees Shan-Yu. "Thanks for the ride!"

"No prob."

She leaves Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 11, 12 and 18 at the side of the road and catches up with the rainbow-coloured bus.

Ling looks out of the bus window. "Hey, look at that Very Groovy Car!"

Yao gets a thoughtful expression. "I think that there's something familiar with the driver...?"

"It's Ping!" exclaims Chien-Po.

"You're right, he's back!" says Ling.

"No, he's not", says Soldier # 32.

Chien-Po frowns.** "**What do you mean, 'he's not'? There he is! Are you blind?"

"I meant that _he _isn't back, 'cause Ping's a girl, remember? If you said that _she's_ back I wouldn't mind, but you're wrong when you say that _he's_ back."

"Nag, nag, nag", sighs Yao. "Shit the same... Okay, _she's_ back. Happy?"

"Yeah."

Mervyn brakes and they all walk out of the bus. Mulan's outside in her Very Groovy Car. "Hey guys! Missed me?"

"Well, actually –" starts Shang.

"No, we haven't missed you", interrupts Chi Fu (who else?). "Did you really think we'd miss somebody who hasn't paid their debt to the library? Hey, wait a minute. What're you doing here, you should be in that small and uncomfortable house listening to Spice Girls!"

"Well, thanks to my courage, presence of mind and super-high intelligence, I escaped."

Chien-Po's eyes widen. "Really? Wow."

Ling shakes his head. "'Wow' is not the right word. 'Amazing' would be better. No one has escaped the Spice Girls before!"

"You should be really proud of yourself, Pi... Mulan", says Yao.

Everyone except Chi Fu congratulate Mulan. She seems to enjoy it but at last she interrupts their 'hurrahs'.

"Listen boys, I really appreciate this, but, I have something important to tell you", she says.

"What?" asks Shang.

"Ehh... oh shit, I forgot."

"Had it something to do with the Director?" asks Mervyn.

"Or with Swedish crowns?" asks Shang.

"Or with Very Groovy Cars?" asks Soldier # 4.

"Or with Baby Spice?" asks Ling.

"Um, no... oh yes, I remember", exclaims Mulan. "It's about that Shan-Yu guy. He has an Evil Plan and I'm here to warn you."

"Okay, so what is his Evil Plan?" wonders Mervyn.

"He'll arrive at the emperor's palace and beat the cr-p outta him, and then he will control China, and then Asia, and then the ENTIRE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

She runs around in pathetic circles, laughing manically.

Soldier # 10 raises one hand, as if to ask a question. "Eh... is that a part of the plan? The running and laughing, I mean."

Mulan stops running and laughing. "Well, that's what he did when I asked him about his Evil Plan."

Shang raises his eyebrows. "... you _asked_ him about his Evil Plan?"

Mulan shrugs. "How else was I supposed to know about it? Steal his diary? I can see it before me: 'Dear diary, here is my Evil Plan for World Domination. First, I will –'"

"I think that, what the captain means, is that you shouldn't just talk to Shan-Yu like that. After all, he_ is_ our enemy", interrupts Mervyn.

Mulan decides to defend the Bad Guy. "Oh, c'mon, he's not that bad. When you get to know him, he's a really nice guy. And the other Huns are good too. When I met them, they were watching _Titanic_. Pretty sensitive guys, they cried when Jack froze to death."

"You saw the Huns watch _Titanic_ and cry when one of the main characters dies", says Shang slowly in an establishing tone.

"Hey, what's wrong with that?" says Yao, offended. "I always cry when I watch that scene."

"Yeah, but you cry for anything. You cried while watching Chip 'n' Dale, remember?" Ling reminds him.

"But Donald Duck was so mean! He tried to run over them with that toy train!" whines Yao.

"Oh no. That would be a horrible catastrophe. Ancestors forbid", says Soldier # 24 sarcastically.

"I have a feeling that you don't take this too seriously."

"Actually, you're right. I don't take cartoons very seriously."

"But this count as a cartoon too, remember?" says Mervyn.

"You know, he's got a point there", agrees Soldier # 1.

Soldier # 24 thinks about it for a while. "You know what? You're right. This is a cartoon."

Chien-Po rolls his eyes. "Well, good thinking, smartass. Congratulations."

Soldier # 24 beams. "Thank you!"

Shang clears his throat. "H-rm. How 'bout leaving Chip 'n' Dale and concentrate on Shan-Yu? Mulan, you sure of that Evil Plan of his?"

"Oh yes. Perfectly sure."

"He didn't mention anything about HOW he's going to arrive at the emperor's palace? I mean, like, hidden in an artificial dragon or so?"

"Hidden in an artificial dragon? Are you nuts? He'd never do that, it isn't his style. He'd hide in a daffodil rather than in a dragon. Hey, that'd be a sight – Shan-Yu disguised as a daffodil..."

Everyone tries to imagine Shan-Yu disguised as a daffodil.

"Hmm... Interesting", establishes Yao.

Ling raises his eyebrows. "Really? I think it's scaring."

"Okay, let's keep our eyes open for daffodils while in the city", orders Shang.

"K, boss!" shouts the army.

* * *

Well, what do you think of this chapter? If English isn't your first language and you don't know what a daffodil is, it's a kind of flower. And don't forget about the yarn bracelets!

I will update as soon as possible.


	10. We're in the wrong movie? Are you kiddin...

Let's just forget about the yarn bracelets. A relative of mine took 'em to a flea market without knowing I wanted to keep them. But I earned quite much money...

One of my friends discovered a huge mistake I've made in chapter 9. I wrote: "**G O I:** No no no! (stamps on the stereo. The music stops)". Of course it should've been: "**G O I: **No no no! (_stomps _on the stereo. The music stops)". Stomps, not stamps. In Sweden, "stampa" means "stomp". Oops. My bad. Ha ha ha.

Time for school again, that's why I haven't updated.

I do not own Lord of the Rings, but I guess you can figure that out all by yourself.

Chapter 10 – We're in the wrong movie? Are you kidding me, man?

The Chinese army continue their journey against the Imperial City. Mulan's going after them in the Very Groovy Car. Suddenly...

**Soldier # 9:** Hey look! There's a sign!

Actually, there is a sign at the side of the road. It says: **"If you're heading for the Imperial City, you're going the wrong way, twits!"**

**Chi Fu:** Well, at least it's a clear message. Turn around, Mervyn!

**Ling:** No, wait! What if this is a trick of the Huns?

**Chien-Po:** Of course; they want us to believe what's written on the sign and turn around, so they can reach the Imperial City first!

**Yao:** That's it! They're trying to deceive us, but they won't succeed! I don't think we should turn around, captain.

**Shang:** I like the way you think, soldier! C'mon Mervyn, forward!

**Mervyn:** Yes, sir!

So, the army continues their journey on the road. After about half an hour, they reach a valley that doesn't look very nice. Very ugly figures are cutting down trees and throwing them into a big hole in the ground. A guy with a long beard and a black stick with a white rock in the end walk around and inspect the work. Everybody's sucking up to him. In the middle of the valley, there's a black tower that looks pretty inhospitable.

**Mulan:** I REALLY don't think that this is the Imperial City.

**Mervyn:** I REALLY think you're right.

**Chi Fu:** See? I told you that we should've turned around at that sign, but nooooo, you wouldn't listen! "Don't listen to the silly council, his brain is as empty as an empty bucket! He's always wrong, let's continue forward instead of doing as he says and turn arou–"

**Shang:** Okay okay we get the message! How 'bout just asking where we are and then try to find the way that actually leads to the emperor?

**Yao:** Sounds good enough.

The Chinese people walk down to one of the ugly figures. Shang taps him on the shoulder.

**Shang:** Excuse me, gentleman, but could you tell us where we are? We're lost.

**Ugly figure:** Why I don't know, I'm just doing a very simple job in a very disgusting costume for a very small payment.

**Mulan:** That sounds very boring.

**Ugly figure:** Yeah. If you have some questions, ask our boss over there.

The ugly figure points to the guy with a beard.

**Ugly figure:** But watch out for that stick of his! If you do something he doesn't like, he'll hit you with it.

**Chien Po:** That doesn't sound very nice.

The guy with a beard and a stick have noticed the Chinese people by now and walks up to them.

**Guy With A Beard And A Stick:** What're you doing here? We're trying to make a movie, if you want to be with you gotta wear costumes!

**Soldier # 20:** But we're already working with a movie!

**Soldier # 3:** Yeah, we're doing _Mulan._

**Guy With A Beard And A Stick:** Really? In that case, you're at the wrong place (AN: Hey, that rhymed!). We're doing _The Fellowship of the Ring. _I'm Saruman, pleased to meet you.

Saruman enthusiastically (VERY enthusiastically!) shakes hands with Ling.

**Ling (voice vibrating):** Hi-i-i-i-i I'm Li-i-i-i-ing.

Shang saves Ling by putting his face about two inches from Saruman's nose and presenting himself.

**Shang:** I'm Shang, captain of the chinese army.

**Saruman:** Good to see you too!

After Saruman's shaken hands with everyone at least twice, they go and have tea on the roof of the black tower, called Orthanc (AN: I really hope I spelled that right...). They all get very tired walking the stairs.

**Mulan:** How... pooh... long... pooh... do we... pooh... have... pooh... left?

**Saruman:** Not much, just about 400 steps.

**Shang:** Well, that's good to know...

When they at last reach the roof, they notice a guy dressed in grey. He's speaking to some kind of butterfly but let go of it when Saruman and the others enter the roof.

**Saruman:** This is Gandalf. He's a prisoner. Hey Gandie, this is the chinese army! They're doing _Mulan _and were heading for the imperial city, but then they got lost, and here they are.

**Gandalf:** How do you do?

**Mervyn:** How do you do... why aren't you in a dungeon or something? That's where people usually hide prisoners.

**Gandalf:** Actually, Saruman wanted to put me in a dungeon, but I said I wanted to be at the roof. The view is more interesting here.

**Mervyn:** But there is no railing here! What if you fall down?

**Gandalf:** But that is the excitement! You have to take some risks in life, you know.

**Mervyn:** I see.

**Saruman:** Scones, anyone?

**Gandalf:** Well, I'd like some –

**Saruman:** Not you, you're a prisoner. You don't count.

**Gandalf:** Hrmf.

All of a sudden, a big eagle appears.

**Gandalf:** At last! What took you so long?

**Eagle:** I was playing golf when your little butterfly arrived and I didn't want to quit playing at the 11:th hole just because of some stupid wizard who let himself be captured as easy as... as... Well, I don't know. Besides, I got an eagle on hole 6. You get it? An _eagle!_ Ha ha ha!

**Gandalf:** Ha ha, very funny. Would you please rescue me now? I must get to the Shire and warn that little jerk Frodo before it's too late.

Gandalf tries to climb the eagle's back but loses his balance and falls down.

**Gandalf:** AAAAAAAAAGGGgggggghhhhhhh...... ouch!

**Eagle:** Oopsie Daysie.

**Shang (with a pale face):** Eh... how about leaving this place and set for the capital now?

**Soldier # 9 (gulps):** Uh huh.

**Chi Fu:** Well, thanks for the tea, mr. Saruman. And it was very nice to see your... ehm... lovely garden.

**Saruman:** Any time, mr. Chinese.

The Chinese people climb the stairs down to the ground, get into the bus and drive away. Saruman waves to them from the roof of the black tower.

**Soldier # 7:** Nice guy.

**Ling:** Yeah, it was fun, except for that guy who fell down.

**Mervyn:** Think of it this way; he liked to take risks.

**Ling:** Hm.

* * *

How did you like this chapter? I'm slightly doubtful myself. Not the best chapter so far, but it works. Please review! 


	11. Unlogical? This? Are you kidding me, man...

For those of you who understand Swedish, "daffodil" (in chapter ten) means "påsklilja".

And I guess that I've invented the word "unlogical" all by myself, 'cause I couldn't find it in any dictionary. What I mean with that word is something that isn't logical.

Chapter 11 – Unlogical? This? Are you kidding me, man?

Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 11, 12 and 18 are taking a break in a shrubbery, eating ham sandwiches and cinnamons and drinking Pepsi.

**Hun # 11:** I luuuve the smell of hot dogs in the morning.

**Hun # 3:** It's 4.30 pm, you jerk. And you're eating cinnamons.

**Hun # 11:** I know that. And the fact that I mentioned morning does not have to mean that I think it's morning. It's was just for your information.

**Hun # 12:** Very interesting. I think I should write it down in my Very Secret Notebook Of Important Facts.

**Hun # 18:** You have a Very Secret Notebook Of Important Facts? Cool. I've always wanted one.

**Hun # 3:** Me too! It was always on top of my wish list to Santa. But I never got one, though I'd been good the entire year. Santa doesn't like me. Wish I knew why.

**Hun # 11:** You're too ugly, that's the reason. Moron.

**Hun # 3:** I'm not ugly! Shan-Yu! # 11 said I was ugly!

**Shan-Yu:** # 11, apologize.

**Hun # 11:** But...

**Shan-Yu:** Just do it, Okay? I don't want to hear you two struggling, I'm busy sewing daffodil-costumes!

**Hun # 11:** Sorry, # 3.

**Hun # 3:** It's okay, # 11.

**Hun # 18:** We're dressing ourselves up like daffodils? Groovy! Are you finished soon?

**Shan-Yu:** No. Just do something while I'm working, like, have a riddle contest or something!

**Hun # 12:** Good idea, boss! Me first. Okay, what is it that walks and walks and never comes to the door?

**Hun # 11:** That one's old. The time, of course. (AN: A riddle we have in Sweden. Everyone knows it.)

**Hun # 12:** Wrong! It's grandpa who's stuck with his suspenders in the rocking chair. That means it's my turn again. What was first, the hen or the egg?

**Hun # 3:** That's a catch question. It has no answer.

**Hun # 12:** Yes, it has! The rooster was first. Man, you really suck at riddles.

**Shan-Yu:** Okay, I'm finished!

He holds up five daffodil-costumes.

**Readers:** Hey! Hey hey hey. Just eight lines ago, # 18 asked if Shan-Yu would be finished soon, and he said no! He cannot have made five costumes that quickly! It's unlogical!

**Goddess Of Idun:** Arghh! How many times do I have to tell you? This whole story is unlogical! I mean, how logical is it that Mulan joins the army and go to war when she could be at the cinema, or at a golf course, or at the top of the chimney making freaky dances?

**Readers:** ...

Anyway.

**Hun # 18:** Wow! Daffodil-costumes! Gimmegimmegimme!

**Hun # 11:** A man after midnight, won't somebody help me chase the shadows away...

**Everyone:** Huh?

**Hun # 11:** A-Teens. They have a song called _Gimme Gimme Gimme_.

**Shan-Yu:** Really?

**Hun # 11:** Yes, it's on the album_ A-Teens – The Abba Generation. _

**Shan-Yu:** Hm. Where can I get that album?

**Hun # 11:** Maybe at a website called www. cdon. com. They have tons of cd:s there!

**Shan-Yu (scribbling on a sheet of paper with his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth):** www... dot... cdon... dot... com. Get it. Does somebody have a laptop?

**Hun # 3:** Yes, I have.

He hands Shan-Yu a green laptop. Shan-Yu tries to reserve a cd, but obviously he isn't that used to green laptops. He gets lost in the cyber jungle. We'll take a break while Hun # 3 helps him out.

* * *

BREAK

* * *

**Hun # 3:** Okay, I'm done. 

**Hun # 11:** Already? How quick you are.

**Hun # 3:** Hey, I did my best! Do you know how hard it was to get that fat and very, very evil guy out of the dangers of the internet?

**Shan-Yu:** I'm not fat.

**Hun # 18:** Yes, you are.

**Shan-Yu:** No, I'm not.

**Hun # 12:** Are so.

**Shan-Yu:** Am not.

**Hun # 11:** Are so.

**Shan-Yu:** Am not.

**Hun # 3:** Are so.

**Shan-Yu:** Am not.

**Everyone:** ARE SO!!!!

Silence.

**Shan-Yu (in a small voice):** Am not.

**Everyone:** AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Hunt Shan-Yu)

**Shan-Yu:** Idun! Help me! End this chapter now!

**Goddess Of Idun:** Nope, it's not long enough.

**Shan-Yu** (gets caught by # 18 who tries to strangle him) P...l...ease! Please!

**Goddess Of Idun:** No.

Shan-Yu turns blue. Author realizes that she has to end this chapter if she wants the Bad Guy to be alive.

**Goddess Of Idun:** Oh, all right then! Chapter ends now.

**All Huns except for Shan-Yu:** Awww...

* * *

What? It wasn't _my_ fault that this chapter was so short, you saw it yourself! It was Shan-Yu's fault 'cause he's so fat! 

Anyway, I do NOT mean to advertise the web site I mentioned earlier in this chapter. Actually, I've never visited that site, just heard of it on TV. Please review now!

Idun


	12. The emperor's a hiphopper? Are you kiddi...

Hello again and thank you for reviewing! I get happier and happier every time I check my e-mail!

I'm sorry for not updating earlier. School you know, and I have another story to think about too... Please forgive me?

This chapter is rated PG because of bad words. And it'll be quite short, but I wanted to hurry to update.

I've taken the song lyrics from www. letssingit. com . Great site, you can find almost any song lyrics there.

Chapter 12: The emperor's a hip-hopper? Are you kidding me, man?

At last, the army reach the Imperial City (AN: Gosh! Not until chapter 12! They really _are _slow, aren't they?).

**Mervyn:** Um, how to get to the emperor's palace?

**Shang:** What? You mean you don't know? Boy, you're supposed to be the taxi driver here! It's your job to know the way!

**Mervyn:** Whatt'cha mean? This is a bus, not a taxi! Can't you see the difference between a bus and a taxi? And, actually, I've never been here before. I think you should know the way, sure you've been here lots of times!

**Yao:** Hey! Why don't we let the council show the way? He must know how to get to the palace, he practically lives there!

**Shang:** Good point. Hey Chi Fu! Show us the way to the palace, will ya'?

**Chi Fu:** No.

**Shang:** "No"?

**Chi Fu:** You obviously think that I'm worthless and can do nothing, so I won't help you.

**Ling:** Oh come on, mister council. You're not worthless.

**Chi Fu:** I'm not?

**Ling:** No! You're worthless to 97 , but that's all. You're not _completely _worthless.

**Chi Fu:** Oh. Okay then. Down the road and to the left.

When they reach the palace, they hear loud music and see a crowd standing in a circle.

**Music:** You see me driving down the street, I look so fuckin good, Smokin weed and doing dirt, In my Tommy Hilfiger hoodie, We're gonna keep talking bullshit about you, Cause nobody be frontin me and my crew, Cause I'm a hiphopper yes I am, (yes I am, what, yes I am, huh), Cause I'm a hiphopper yes I am, (me and my crew, what, naturalborn, huh), You see me wearing baggy jeans, (baggy jeans, huh, baggy jeans, huh)...

**Chien-Po:** Um, isn't that "Hiphopper" by Rusiak?

**Chi Fu:** Yeah, the emperor's a hiphopper. Didn't you know?

**Shang:** The emperor? A hiphopper? You gotta be joking.

**Chi Fu:** No I'm not. You'll see.

**Shang:** Right. I don't believe you. Do you believe him, Yao? Ling?

Yao and Ling are dancing to the song and hear nothing.

**Shang:** Hm. Well, stop the bus, Mervyn.

**Mervyn:** K, boss.

The bus stops and the army go out, followed by Mulan. They push their way through the circle by using their sharp elbows, and stand paralyzed at the sight before them.

**Soldier # 2:** Are my eyes failing me, or is the emperor doing break dance?

**Soldier # 5:** If your eyes are failing you, mine must be too.

**Soldier # 22:** And mine.

**Mervyn:** And mine.

**Mulan:** And mine.

**Shang:** Okay, let's face it. We all need glasses. Let's go to the optician!

**Army:** Yay!

At the optician...

**Yao:** Do these glasses make me look fat?

**Optician:** Oh no, you look fantastic... he he he.

**Yao:** What?

**Optician:** I just said "You look fantastic".

**Yao:** No, after that. You said "He he he".

**Optician:** No I didn't.

**Yao:** Yes, you did.

**Optician:** No, I didn't.

**Yao:** Yes, you did.

**Optician:** No, I di...

**Everyone:** Shut UP!

**Shang:** Mister Optician, what did you mean by saying "He he he"?

**Optician:** Well, I, um, was just so very happy 'cause if all of you buy glasses, I will sell more than my biggest competitor.

**Ling (whispers to Mulan):** You know, I have a bad feeling that this guy isn't telling the truth. First, he says that he didn't say "he he he", and then he explains why he did it. Something shady is going on here.

**Mulan (whispers back):** Maybe you've got something there.

Just then, the optician rips off his disguise. He turns out to be...

**Army:** Shan-Yu!?!

**Shan-Yu:** Ha-HA!

Before the Chinese people can do anything, Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12 appears. (Well, actually, they've been there all the time, disguised as glasses racks, but they don't actually "show up" until now, if you get my point.) The huns tie the Chinese people up and put muzzles on them before they can say "My, that was unexpected!" But Mulan makes a brave try...

**Mulan:** Mph, wat ta schunpecteph!

**Chien-Po:** You know Mulan, It's quite impolite to try to speak when you've got something in your mouth.

**Hun # 3:** How can you speak?

**Chien-Po:** Oh, I ate my muzzle.

**Hun # 18:** Suit yourself, we used our handkerchiefs as muzzles.

**Chien-Po:** Um, could you untie me, just for a little while? I have to stick my fingers down my throat.

**Shan-Yu/Hun # 3/18/11/12:** Yuck! Forget it!

**Readers:** What the hell is going on here? In last chapter, Shan-Yu made daffodil costumes, and now they're disguised as an optician and glasses racks?

**Shan-Yu:** Yeah, we realized that it could be smart to change tactic, in case of that some Chinese dude would read last chapter and get to know about our plan.

**Readers:** O-kay. Idun, how can you even think about writing this rubbish?

**Goddess Of Idun:** Well, you're the ones who're reading it, aren't you? _I_ never forced you to...


	13. Moot? Are you kidding me, man?

I am SO SORRY for not updating earlier! One word: school... It's like all my teachers have decided to give me loads of homework at the same time.

You're now reading the re-written version of **_How the movie Mulan was made_**. After I read a certain review from **A Cute But Psycho Bunny**, I decided to write the following chapters more like a "normal" fanfic. I actually have started to change the previous chapters – I still have them saved on my computer, you know – but I guess it'll take a while before something actually happens. Thank you Bunny, for warning me!

I want to apologize for a grammar mistake in chapter 11. I wrote "_hunt _Shan-Yu" when it should've been "_chase _Shan-Yu". Sorry!

This chapter is rated PG for some bad words.

I found the word "moot" in the novel _The Soddit or Let's cash in again _by A. R. R. R. Roberts. It's a parody of _The Hobbit or There and back again _by J. R. R. Tolkien, as you probably can tell. "Moot" means uncertain.

Chapter 13 – Moot? Are you kidding me, man?

The huns lock the army in down the cellar of the optician's house.

"Ha ha!" laughs Hun # 18. "Expect water and bread 'til you die, you chinese nerds!"

"Don't you have fish sticks?" asks Chien-Po worriedly. "Or beer? You must have beer, you cannot live without beer!"

"We know!" smirks Hun # 3. "Funny, isn't it? We'll sit upstairs getting drunk, while you're dying down here. Life really is moot."

"Hrmf", mutters Ling.

The huns leave, laughing manically.

After a while, Mulan speaks. "Maybe we should check the door. It might not be locked, I've got experience of unlocked doors." (AN:You remember chapter 7, don't you? No? Well, that's where Mulan escapes from her punishment, that Spice Girls thing you know.)

Yao tries to open the door but can't. "Nope, it's locked."

"Darn", swears Shang.

"Double-darn", swears Mulan.

"Triple-darn", swears Mervyn.

"Darn multiplicity with four", swears Ling.

"Darn multiplicity with five", swears Yao.

"Darn multiplicity with six", swears Chien-Po.

"Darn multiplicity with –" starts Soldier # 3, but gets interrupted by Chi Fu.

"This is bloody illegal!" swears Chi Fu. "I'm gonna tell the emperor about this, captain, that you let the soldiers swear when they are in duty!"

"Oh, but you swore too, didn't you?" Shang points out. "You said: 'this is _bloody _illegal'."

"Eh...um..." Chi Fu's face is turning into a very red colour. "What about, I didn't hear you swear and you didn't hear me swear? And we won't say anything to the emperor, will we?"

"Oh no, of course not." But when Chi Fu turns around, relieved, Shang brings his note book out of his pocket and writes: _Note to self: when getting to the emperor, tell him that his council said 'bloody'._

"So", starts Yao, "how to get out of here?"

They all sit down, trying to come up with a plan.

"I KNOW!" screams Mervyn suddenly.

"What? What? What?"

"Mulan, do you still have that chainsaw of yours? The one you used to cut down the pole in the training camp?"

Mulan stares at him. "Mervyn, do you know what you are?"

"The best bus driver on earth?"

"You are a bloody GENIUS!"

"'Course I am!"

Ling looks confused. "How can you know about the chainsaw? That's in chapter 2, and you don't appear 'til chapter 4!"

"I'm all-knowing. Ask me something and I know the answer."

"Really? Then... um... what's the name of the Swedish king?"

"Gustav II Adolf. That's right, isn't it?"

"Why, I don't know. I'm Chinese, not Swedish."

Right now, the author jumps in. "Actually, the king's of Sweden name is Carl XVI Gustav. Gustav II Adolf lived 1594 – 1632. He died in Lützen while fighting the Germans. He got one child, Kristina, who became queen when she was eighteen years old. Later she abdicated and moved to Rome. She had a cousin – "

"OKAY OKAY WE GET THE MESSAGE!" everyone shouts.

Author looks offended. "Hey, this is history! Always good to know. And I'm warning you, do not shout at me, 'cause I'm the author and I can write you out of this fic right now if I want to!"

"As if. You'd never do that", says Soldier # 2.

"Try me."

"Oh c'mon. We know you aren't the toughest author out there. You wouldn't _dare _to write, for example", he points at himself, "_me _out."

"Oh, wouldn't I?" Author sits down and types furiously on her keyboard. Soldier # 2 notices a strange light surrounding him. "What the h – "

_**ZAP!**_

He disappears in a puff of smoke. Everyone stares on the spot where he was just a few seconds ago.

Author grins evilly. "See?"

Everyone nods nervously with silly grins. Shang writes in his notebook: _Note to self 2: never, EVER mess with the author._

"You are allowed to destroy the door."

Mulan brings out her chainsaw and turns the door into very little pieces.

Everyone cheers. "Yay!"

"Shall we beat the crap out of the huns now?" asks Yao.

"Nah, I have to go to the loo", says Mulan. "And you wouldn't want to start without me!"

She goes to the loo. The others are waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

* * *

2 HOURS, 43 MINUTES AND 17 SECONDS LATER...

* * *

"What the hell is taking her so long!" exclaims Mervyn.

"Maybe something's wrong", says Shang. "I'll go and ask her." He walks away and stops outside the loo. "Mulan? You okay in there?"

"Finally!" Mulan's muffled voice can be heard from the other side of the door. "I've been waiting for hours! I've run out of toilet paper!"

"But why didn't you tell us?"

"Well, airhead, I shouted and shouted but no one came. You were too far away! Now get me some toilet paper, quickly!"

"Sure. I'll be right back!"

Unfortunately, Shang doesn't find any toilet paper. He has to find a shop where he can buy some. So we'll end this chapter here while we're waiting.

* * *

Yes, I know, this chapter was short, it sucks and it's good for nothing. I'm just having a really guilty conscience about not updating for so long. I hope you like it anyway!

Goddess of Idun


	14. A new transfer student? Are you kidding ...

Thanks for your reviews! I'm glad you aren't angry with me for not updating earlier. (I really shouldn't be writing this either – school's not over yet, you know – but this is so much funnier.) But, **Meg**, I don't think it's my problem if you don't like this story. I haven't exactly _forced_ you to read it. If you read the other reviews, maybe you'll notice that almost all of them are positive to the story. But, since you dislike it so much, I guess you won't even read _this_. Anyway, I'll keep writing to delight the people who like it, I won't stop to please you. If you don't like it, just don't read it... eh... I'm rambling, ain't I? Oh well. Let's concentrate on the good reviews, shall we?

I've decided to rate this story K+. There are too many bad words for just being K.

Hogwarts' School for Witchcraft and Wizardry and all that comes with it belong to J. K. Rowling.

Chapter 14 – A new transfer student? Are you kidding me, man?

As you might remember, Shang went out to buy some toilet paper for Mulan. Since he cannot find some in the optician's house, he goes out in the city. Suddenly, he sees a big castle. "Whoa! In that place, there must be some toilet paper!" He runs through the entrance door and ends up in a big hall with many youngsters in black robes. They all stare at him.

"Who's that?"

"What is he doing here?"

"That clothing of his looks kinda funny."

"He might be a spy for You-Know-Who!"

A girl with bushy brown hair speaks up. "Oh, c'mon everyone, if he was one of Voldemort's spies –" There's a massive gasp. " – he wouldn't just rush in like that. He'd be sneakier."

"Oh yeah."

A man with a _very _long beard rises. "Welcome to Hogwarts' School for Witchcraft and Wizardry! I am headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Are you a new transfer student?"

Shang looks around nervously. "Um..."

Headmaster Albus Dumbledorecomes to Shang, grabs his hand and leads him to the other end of the hall. "Oh, calm down. Everyone's a bit nervous at the beginning. It'll get better. Minerva, the Sorting Hat, please!"

A strict-looking lady gets an old hat. Shang doesn't even have time to say "but..." before she puts it on his head.

Shang hears a voice from inside of the hat. "Li Shang. Where shall I place you? You're not very smart, I see, so Ravenclaw's out of the picture. And you do not seem to be the type who would run into a burning building to save your friends, so there go Gryffindor and Hufflepuff too. And green wouldn't suit you, so you're not a Slytherin either. Hm, it seems like I have to invent a new house, just for you. You'll be placed in... WUDDLYFOOFIE!"

Everyone in the Great Hall blink simultaneously. "Wuddlyfoofie?"

"It's a new house", says the hat loudly. "It's for people who are dumb, cowardly, not very loyal, and don't fit in green. Its colour is pink, and its symbol will be earthworm."

"Oh", says the man with the long beard. "Okay then." He waves his magical stick (AN: his wand, that is. What did you think I meant? Oh that's disgusting! You people should be ashamed!) and, suddenly, Shang's dressed in a black robe with a pink mark with an earthworm on it. Under the mark is the word "Wuddlyfoofie" in pink letters. "Well, since we don't have a special table for Wuddlyfoofies, you may sit at the Gryffindor table. It's the red one with the lion."

Shang walks down and takes a seat at the red table, very confused. A boy with black hair and glasses leans forward. "So, you're a new transfer student, eh? Where do you come from?"

"Eh, China."

"What school are you from?" asks the girl with the bushy hair. "Never heard very much of the Chinese magical schools."

Before Shang gets time to answer, a red-haired boy with many freckles says "You look pretty old for being a student, you know. Are you retarded in some way? Oh, of course, I forgot – you're in Wuddlyfoofie..."

The girl smacks his head and hisses "Ron, don't you EVER say that again! It's very impolite!" She turns to Shang. "You have to forgive him, mr... eh... I don't think I catched your name?"

"Shang. Li Shang. Do you know where the loo is?"

"Sure", says the guy with the black hair. "Up the stairs and to the left."

Shang leaves the Great Hall, climbs the stairs and finds a door with the word "BATHROOM" on it. He walks in, and has just started to collect some rolls of toilet paper when...

"INTRUDER! INTRUDER! THIS IS A GIRLS' BATHROOM! YOU ARE NO GIRL!"

Shang whirls around and sees a white, partly transparent girl that is floating in the air. She looks very angry. Shang screams in fright. "YIKES!"

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall...

The bushy-haired girl seems to think of something. "Eh, Harry?"

The black-haired boy looks up. "What, Herms?"

"Don't call me Herms, my name is Hermione. I just thought... that new guy, Shang. When you gave him directions for the loo, did you say 'up the stairs and to the left'?"

"Yes. Why?"

"But that's Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!"

"Oh, no!" gasps Ron. "She'll rip him to pieces!"

"Not if I have something to say about it", says Harry determinate. "C'mon, loyal sidekicks, let's go kick some ghost's butt!"

He, Hermione and Ron runs out from the Great Hall – Ron very reluctantly because he hasn't finished his dinner - , up the stairs and into the bathroom. Shang has crawled into a corner, whilst Moaning Myrtle glares at him with a murderous glint in the eyes.

Harry points on Myrtle with his wand. "Do not fear no more, mr Chinaman! 'Cause I, the brave and almighty Harry Potter, defeater of the Dark Lord as many times as... um..." He starts counting on his fingers. "... Well, at least five times, and fighter of all Evil, am here to save you!" Ron and Hermione clear their throats. "Oh, and my trusty sidekicks are here as well."

Myrtle looks scared. "Oh, no! The brave and almighty Harry Potter and his trusty sidekicks! I better get the hell outta here!" She dives into the nearest toilet.Harry Potterhurries forward and pushes the "flush"-button. A muffled scream can be heard.

Harry jumps up and down in joy. "And the fantastic Harry Potter strikes again!"

Shang rises slowly. Hermione has a worried expression on her face. "Are you okay, Shang?"

"Eh, yes. Could I take some toilet paper? One of my buddies is stuck in a bathroom 'cause she's out of paper. I gotta help her."

Hermione looks at him funny. "Riiiight. Well, I guess you could take as much as you want."

"Cool!"

Shang takes seven rolls of toilet paper and leaves Hogwarts. Harry, Ron and Hermione stand on the stairs at the entrance, waving.

"Bye, mr. Chinaman!"

"Bye, Wuddlyfoofie!"

"Come back soon!"

Suddenly, Ron comes to think of something. "Do you think he knows that that toilet paper is enchanted?"

Shang heads back to the optician's house. He walks down to the cellar and finds the bathroom where Mulan sits. "Here, I found some toilet paper!"

"Took you long enough."

She opens the door a little bit so he can hand her the rolls of toilet paper. When he's on his way back to the others, he hears a shriek. "AAARRGGHHH! Shang! You gotta help me! This bloody toilet paper makes my skin red with white polka dots!"

* * *

That's it for this time! I know it was short, but I think I'm starting to get affected by writer's block... Could you please give me some ideas for the next chapter?

Please review!

Idun


	15. Chapter 15

Hello everyone! Sorry for taking so long, but I've been very busy lately. You see, me and my class have been setting up a theatre play called _Duality_, and there've been so much work around it… But it went out fabulous! After _Duality_, school ended, and I went to a confirmation camp where I was a leader for two weeks. After that, I've been separated from my beloved computer for _months_ because my "dear" parents wanted us to live in our summer cottage. And then, I started at Umeå university.

After a certain review from **Zimmie**, I've decided to change my way of typing the AN:s. I will now only put a number between parentheses, and explain the numbers in the end of the chapter.

Hey, Sometimes I'm nervous if my grammar is correct, so if anyone wants to be my beta-reader, I'd be very grateful. Thank you!

I'm writing this chapter on a brand new computer! My first computer that I don't have to share with my sisters (or anyone else). Yay!

**Chapter 15: Our afternoon-tea is gone? Are you kidding me, man?**

Shang has been trying to help Mulan with her, eh, problem involving the enchanted toilet paper from Hogwarts. Unfortunately, he didn't succeed, so Mulan must return to the army with a red and white ass.

"Hey, author!" shouts Mulan. "Do you have to scream it out to all the readers? That's a PERSONAL AREA, for crying out loud!"

Sorry, but look at it this way; no one in this fanfic will see your ass anyway – you're wearing pants for crying out loud! – and they most certainly won't read what I wrote ten seconds ago, so they will have no clue about what's happened to your butt.

"Hrmf."

Anyway, when Shang and Mulan get back, they see the whole army standing around a red laptop with the little Apple symbol on it (Apparently, it has appeared out of nowhere, just like everything else in this pointless story), laughing their lungs out (1). When they look up and see Mulan, they laugh even worse.

Meanwhile, Shang, Mervyn and the others are making themselves ready to fight their way out of the optician's house.

"Ling, you ready?"

"F' course, Shang."

"Yao?"

"Yup, pretty boy."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"Thanks, captain."

"Chien-Po?"

"Aye."

"Mervyn?"

"Uh huh."

"The rest of you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Splendid! On the count of three. One… two… THREE!"

Chien-Po kicks the door open, and they all rush out.

Shan-Yu and his huns are having their afternoon-tea. Hun # 12 has made cucumber sandwiches, and Hun # 12 has searched the whole town after the very best Earl Grey.

Shan-Yu stretches out his little finger, as if he's got class or something. "Excellent sandwiches, # 12."

"Thanks, master."

Right then, the Chinese army rushes in, grabs the tea and sandwiches and rushes out again. The huns stare after them.

"What the heck was that?" asks Hun # 11.

"Well, it did look like the Chinese army, but they're in the cellar, so it can't have been them", answers Shan-Yu. His men agree to that.

"But where did our afternoon-tea go?" wonders Hun # 18.

"Maybe it wasn't here at all!" exclaims Hun # 3. "Maybe it all was our imagination! Maybe…"

"Oh no, he's getting philosophical again", moans Shan-Yu. "Please stop him before we all die from monotony."

Hun # 11, 12 and 18 tie Hun # 3 to a chair and put a muzzle on him. He gives them angry looks.

"Ah ah, don't give us those angry looks, man", says Hun # 18. "We won't let you go." What he really means, but doesn't dare to say, is: "Don't look at me like that, it gives me the creeps (2)."

Meanwhile, the army's on its way back to the palace, while having the huns' afternoon-tea. Suddenly, Mervyn comes to think of something. "Hey, we forgot to get some glasses!"

"Yeah", answers Shang, "but it's quite impossible to get some, 'cause Shan-Yu's the optician and he's our enemy, so if we asked him to help us he'd probably give us some wrong grinded ones."

"I still can't understand how he could trick us with a pair of sunglasses and a fake moustache", mutters Soldier # 14.

"Talking about strange clothes", says Mulan, "what the hell are you wearing, Shang?"

Shang looks down and discovers that he's still dressed in his Hogwarts robe with the earthworm. "Oh. Eh… Well, you see, when I was looking for some toilet paper for you, I ended up in a strange castle full of weird people with wooden sticks, and they gave me this uniform because the magical hat said I was a Wuddlyfoofie."

Everyone blink simultaneously.

"I just _knew _that he'd lose it one day", says Yao. "I've seen the signs."

"Shall we take him to the hospital now or after we've saved the emperor?" asks Ling.

"Afterwards", suggests Chi Fu. "He's not that important anyway."

"Well, I can agree to that…" starts Mulan, but gets interrupted by Shang. "Hey!"

"… _but _just because you said it, we'll go to the hospital right now."

"Yay!" shouts the army.

Soldier # 10 points to a poster on a notice-board. "Look at that! _'Has your friend lost their mind? Doctor Chun Tin can fix it for you! 625 Mental Illness Road.' _That's what I call luck!"

"625 Mental Illness Road it is then!" exclaims Mulan. "Er… got a map, anyone?"

-----

If Amanda, Frida, Erika, Anna or Johanna are reading this, hello! Please leave a review, you just click on the little purple button down and to the left and follow the instructions.

(1): Not literally, of course. That would look kinda gross, wouldn't it? I'd have to change this story to at least T…

(2): I just love that word! "Creepy" and "the creeps", they're wonderful! "Whatever" and "What so ever" are splendid too…

I've decided to respond to your reviews! Though I'll start with the ones which are about chapter 14, I don't have the energy to respond to those before that.

**Mess531y: **I'm glad you liked it! I hoped that including Harry Potter would get someone to laugh… ;) I read your profile, and noticed that you've put this story on your favourite stories list. I jumped up and down in joy!

**Zimmie: **Thank you for pointing out what you think could be better. You make me a better writer!

**Megan: **Well, sooner or later… Though I don't think it'll happen in another three or four chapters or so.

**Diana(a.k.a. "wuddlyfoofie"): **Thank you! I love when people think this story's funny!

**Mary: **Jane Austen, eh? Well, maybe… never thought about that. I like Jane Austen, I really do, I read _Pride and Prejudice _one year ago or so, and _Emma _a few weeks later. You see, the problem with J. A. is that she isn't as famous as Robin Hood, LotR or Harry Potter. When I borrow people from other books/movies etc. I try to take famous ones that the readers will recognize. But you never know… And yes, I translate it all into English. Sometimes I get frustrated by not being able to post it in Swedish (though I _could_, but not many would read it), but at the same time I know that by writing in English I learn more, plus I get contact with people all around the world, which I think is kinda cool.

**Tinemelk: **Thank you!

**Water-star: **I feel proud. Thank you so much.

I know that this chapter isn't very good, but I've got a touch of writer's block… Please help me, if you've got some ideas!

Idun


	16. A new brain? Are you kidding me, man?

Here I am again! If you check out my profile, you'll see that I've added a little bunny rabbit. Please, those of you who are users at this site, copy him to your presentation to help him achieve world domination. (What? A little competition is only healthy, Shan-Yu!) I copied him from my sister's profile at a Swedish community, www. helgon. com. Speaking of which, Tina (my sister) and I couldn't agree about which site had the most users, ff. net or helgon. com. So I counted all ff writers (a quick calculation, of course) and guess what? We have about 913 000 users here at ff. net! Helgon. com only had about 157 000. Ha! Tina lost badly.

I own Doctor Chun Tin and the nervous Stranger, but you are allowed to borrow them if you contact me first.

**Chapter 16: A new brain? Are you kidding me, man?**

Since no one has a map, and the army need to find the way to 625 Mental Illness Road, Ling stops a passing and totally innocent Stranger by tripping him. The Stranger panics.

"No! No! Spare me! I have a wife and kids, millions of kids! Here, take my money, but please don't kill me!"

The army stares at him. Chien-Po mutters: "Think we should bring him too?"

"I say, take his money and then ask him for directions", suggests Mulan.

"Good idea", says Mervyn. He takes the money from the Stranger's outstretched hand. "43 crowns and 50 öre. That's not very much. Anyway, could you please show us the way to 625 Mental Illness Road?"

The shivering Stranger looks at him. "Sure you won't kill me?"

"We will, if you don't give us the directions right now", growls Yao. The Stranger turns to him, horrified.

"Eeep!"

"Now that's what I call an intelligent answer", says Soldier # 14.

"There it is." The Stranger points to a street sign which says 'Mental Illness Road'. On the house before them, there is the number of '625'. Mulan rushes too the door and reads on a little orange sign, which says in red letters (Red letters against orange background! The horror!): "'_Doctor Chun Tin. Heal any brain disease, with the help of my trusty baseball bat. Drop-In'. _Exactly what our dear captain needs!"

Shang starts backing away slowly, but Mervyn discovers him. "Look! He's getting away!"

The army start chasing Shang, who turns around and runs for his life. Suddenly, a hand is stretched out from an alley, grabs his robe and pulls him inside the alley. The army doesn't notice but rushes past. Shang sighs in relief.

"Thank you, you saved my life, I'm really…"

Then he discovers who is standing before him. It's the strict lady at Hogwarts, professor Minerva McGurgle, or something. She does not look too happy. "Li Shang, you've broken the school rules by running away! 536978 points from Wuddlyfoofie."

"But I haven't earned any points for Wuddlyfoofie."

"Oh. Right. Well, in that case, mr. Li, you must be punished in another way."

Professor McGurgle sticks her head out of alley and calls for the army, which still can be seen, since Chien-Po tripped and dragged the others with him. They're now lying in a heap in the dust.

"Hey, you! Here he is!" She pushes Shang back on the street. He gasps and tries to run again, but she points her wand to him and pronounces some strange words. "_Rollerbladus Feetus!_"

BAM!

Shang's feet have been turned into rollerblades, and since he never got a pair of rollerblades when he was a kid – his father was too stingy to buy him some – he hasn't had any practise, falls and lands on his bum.

"Ouch!"

Before he gets time to rise again, Mervyn and Soldiers # 7 and 15 catch him and drags him to 625 Mental Illness Road. Mulan waves to professor McGurgle. "Thank you for helping, Weird Woman with the Freaky Stick!"

"You're welcome. Oh, and by the way, tell him that his O.W.L:s are coming up next week. He really needs to practise." She flicks her freaky stick and Shang's feet immediately turn back to normal, then she mysteriously disappears in a puff of smoke.

Mulan stares at the spot where the mad woman stood a couple of seconds. "Okay, I'm not at all surprised that she mysteriously disappeared in a puff of smoke, it's not like it hasn't happened before, but that wool-thingies that would come up next week make me so confused. Hey Author, does that crazy chick go on medication or something?"

Why I don't know, I don't own her. Just borrowing her for a little while. Ask this very famous writer J. K. Rowling.

Soldier # 7 knocks on the door. "Hello, doctor! We have a patient for you!"

The door bangs open and they see a person that look exactly like a female version of Victor Frankenstein. "A patient? Lemme have a look at him." She grabs Mervyn and stares at his face. Mervyn's eyes widen.

"No, no, it's not me! It's that guy in the strange robe!"

"Really?" Doctor Chun Tin sounds confused. "Well, I saw that rainbow-coloured moustache of yours and thought 'Yeah, that must be him'. But shit the same. Come with me, everyone." The army follows her into the waiting room. "Please stay here, while I examine your friend." She drags Shang, despite his protests, into another room.

The army is bored, since there's nothing to do in the waiting room.

"I'm bored. There's nothing to do in this waiting room", mutters Yao.

"Idun, could you please find something for us to do?" pleads Ling.

All right. Wait while I type furiously on my keyboard to make some entertainment for you.

_**ZAP!**_

Soldier # 13 suddenly gets hit in his head by Monopoly.

"Wow, Monopoly! I wanna be the shoe!" shouts Ling.

"I wanna be the horse!"

"I wanna be the blue parrot!"

"I wanna be professor McGurgle!"

"I wanna be Shan-Yu's diary!"

"I wanna be the Post-It notes!"

And so on…

They all start playing Monopoly and Mervyn's in the lead since he owns the Tower of London, Euro Disney, the emperor's palace and the Bank of China, when the door opens and doctor Chun Tin steps out.

"I know what's wrong with captain Li!"

"You do?" the Chinese dudes ask curiously. "What?"

"There are no doubts about it. His brain is worn out."

Chi Fu raises an eyebrow. "Worn out?"

"Yeah, and he needs a new one. Luckily, I know exactly where to get one."

"Oh, good", says Mulan. "Where?"

"In a jar in my office."

Soldier # 22 stares at her, unbelievingly. "You have a _brain _in a _jar _in your _office?_"

"Hey, don't complain!" shouts Mulan. "This is great! I'm sure it isn't easy to find a brain, just like that. We should be grateful. When can you… um… change brains, doc?"

"Right now, if you want to."

She goes back and closes the door behind her. After a couple of minutes, some muffled screams can be heard. They recognize the voice as Shang's, but they can't hear all the words.

"_No… don't do… pointy knife… bit too far… no, not the baseball bat…!" _

Silence.

"I so do not want to know the details of what's going on in there", gulps Soldier # 1.

Suddenly, the door bangs open, and doctor Chun Tin appears again. She looks exhausted. Her forehead is all sweaty, and she's got a nasty bruise on her left cheek. She clears her throat. "H-rm, let me introduce to you, the new Li Shang!"

Shang comes out, walking on all fours, panting, with his tongue hanging outside his mouth. He goes to Ling, sniffs him, and then licks his hand.

They all stare at him. After a while, Chien-Po nervously asks: "Um, doc? What kind of brain did you use?"

Doctor Chun Tin watches Shang proudly. "Well, you see, I found a stray dog last Wednesday, a grand danois. He was lying on the street and did not look too well, and I never was one to like animals in distress, so I decided to help him get rid of his suffering. And since I am a brain doctor, I thought it would be stupid not to take care of his brain, now when I had the chance. Speaking of which, I am afraid that your captain now only will listen to the name of Pokey. I named the dog before I used my trusty baseball bat on him, thought it might make him feel better to have a real identity during his last minutes."

"Wait a minute, let me get this straight", says Mervyn. "You gave captain Li the brain of a dead grand danois?"

"Yes, of course! You didn't think I'd use a _living _grand danois, now did you?"

"When it comes to you, I can think of anything, absolutely anything", mutters Soldier # 5.

Shang (or Pokey) approaches Chi Fu and growls. Suddenly, he leaps forward and starts gnawing on Chi Fu's right leg. Chi Fu screams.

"No, stop! Get that crazy mongrel… captain… whatever, away from me! I'll tell the emperor about this, trust me, I will!"

No one makes a move to help him.

"Oh, wonderful!" exclaims Mulan angrily. "Just one hour ago we had a captain, maybe not the best captain ever but a captain nonetheless, and what do we have now? A bloody Scooby Doo-copy named Pokey!"

* * *

The idea of giving Shang the brain of a dog comes from _Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody _by Michael Gerber.

**diana cho: **Thank you for reviewing! Glad you liked that chapter. For a couple of weeks, your review was my only comfort, 'cause no one else wanted to leave one, though I saw that I'd gotten many hits on the chapter.

**MiniEllie: **I'm quite fond of the Hogwarts chapter too… one of my favourite parts of this story. Hope you like this chapter too!

**Zimmie: **Thank you thank you thank you for thinking that my English is improving! And don't worry, there won't be many more sub-quests. I PROMISE you, the Final Battle will erupt in chapter 17 or at last 18.

A beta reader? Please?

Idun


	17. We're using a stratagem? Are you kidding

Elisabeth Bennet and mr Darcy come from the book _Pride and Prejudice _by Jane Austen. Ninja Turtles is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios. I do neither own McDonald's. If I did, don't you think I'd have something better to do than sitting here, wasting my time on writing stupid stories for your amusement?

Again, go to my profile and copy the bunny rabbit!

**Chapter 17: We're using a stratagem? Are you kidding me, man?**

After paying Doctor Chun Tin with the 43 crowns and 50 öre that they got from the nervous Stranger, the army sets off against the emperor's palace. Mulan rips off a strip of cloth from the army's flag (which is of ancient lineages) and uses it as a lead for Shang, since he seems to be really interested in running around smelling everything. None of them is very satisfied with his new personality.

"So, how shall we get into the emperor's palace?" asks Ling. "Surely, there will be lots of guards there and they will get pretty suspicious when they get their eyes on Pokey… and maybe Mervyn."

"Hey!" shouts Mervyn, offended. "I'm not the human dog around here!"

"No, but your moustache is rainbow-coloured", Soldier # 14 reminds him. "No offence, but you look like a real weirdo."

"Why are we worrying about the guards?" wonders Soldier # 7. "Aren't they on our side?"

Mulan rolls her eyes. "C'mon, use your brain. If we tell them about the Huns, they will most certainly try playing heroes and take a big part of the honour. We have to think of something to trick them, so that we get all the attention."

"Yeah, what we need is a stratagem", says Soldier # 1.

"How about disguises?" suggests Yao. "We could dress up like this…"

An hour later, some very strange people make their way up the palace's stairs. The guards watch them suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"We're plumbers from the firm 'Pipes are our passion'", answers a guy dressed in a pair of dirty jeans with braces. His big rainbow-coloured moustache shivers when he's talking. "We're here to fix the pipes."

"I didn't know they were broken", says Guard # 3 and gives Guard # 1 a questing look.

"Well, they are", assures a girl with a purple, very ugly cap. "The emperor wouldn't want to tell everyone, for fear of paparazzi."

The guards simultaneously raise an eyebrow. "Riiight. And what the ancestors is _that?_" Guard # 2 points at the ex-captain.

"Oh, he's our mascot Pokey", says a skinny guy with a smile. "Without him, we wouldn't be the window-cleaners we are today."

"I thought you said you were plumbers?"

The girl with the purple cap glares at the skinny guy, before she turns to the guards with an apologizing smile. "Yes, well, we do both. You don't get very rich on plumbering."

"Is that even a word?(1)" whispers Soldier # 3 to Soldier # 9, who shrugs.

"I've heard that plumbers get awfully rich", says Guard # 1, still not convinced.

The girl is starting to look impatient. "Look, just let us in, okay? You're getting a flood in here! I can even see the water." She points into the palace.

The guards turn around. "Whe – "

**DONK!**

Suddenly, the guards lie in a heap on the floor.

"Well done, Chien-Po!" shouts the girl (which of course is Mulan) and makes a little dance of victory. The army then hurries into the palace, after putting the guards in a broom closet and a pot plant outside of it.

"So, what do we do now?" asks Soldier # 3.

"Let's split up", says Mulan, who, in some way, has become the boss (but I guess you all have figured that out by now). "Mervyn, Chien-Po, Yao, Ling and I keep going forward, Chi Fu and Pokey go right, since no one else wants to be with them, and the rest of you go left."

"All right", says Mervyn, Chien-Po, Yao, Ling and all the soldiers.

"Woof", says Pokey.

"No!" shouts Chi Fu. "I do not want to be left alone with that creature! It's unfair!"

"Whatever", shrugs Yao. "How many times must we tell you that we really don't care about what you think?"

"I won't do it", says Chi Fu and purses his mouth.

Mulan sighs. "Chien-Po, if you would be so kind…"

"Gladly!" exclaims Chien-Po, grabs the council and throws him to the right. He lands with his bum first on the very hard plastic floor (poor quality, that is, by the way) and gets hit in his head by Pokey two seconds later. "OUCH!"

"And stay away!" shouts Mulan. Then she turns to the others. "If something happens, feel free to use these Cool Walkie-Talkies I found in the Very Groovy Car I hotwired in chapter 7." She gives everyone a Cool Walkie-Talkie.

This makes the Readers upset. "Hey, Goddess of Idun! You didn't tell us about those Cool Walkie-Talkies before! Confess, you did make them up right now!"

Okay, I did. Happy?

The Readers didn't think that I would give up that easily. "Oh. Right. Bye."

Bye!

The army splits up, and starts investigating the palace. Soon enough, the Soldiers find the palace's very own McDonald's resturant.

"Come to think of it", says Soldier # 1, "we haven't had something to eat since chapter 15, you know, when we stole the Huns' afternoon tea."

"You're right!" exclaims Soldier # 22. "Do you think that Mulan would get very pissed off with us if we take a little break to eat?"

They all think about it for a while. Eventually, Soldier # 12 speaks up. "Probably she would, but we could get food here and then bring it with us!"

"Yay!"

They order Happy Meals and small Cokes for everyone. This week, the Happy Meal toys are small stuffed Ninja Turtles. Predictable enough, the soldiers forget all about the plot in the movie and start playing with their mini warriors.

"Ha! My katanas beat your nunchakus any time!" exclaims Soldier # 9 and uses his Leonardo as a boxing glove against Soldier # 11's Michelangelo.

"Oh yeah? Well, those twin swords of yours are junk compared to Donatello and his bo staff!" shouts Soldier # 10, whereupon Soldier # 19 waves with his Raphael and claims that just said Ninja Turtle can turn Donatello into meat loaf with his sai daggers in no time… you get the picture.

Chaos erupts.

Meanwhile, Mulan, Ling, Yao, Chien-Po and Mervyn are walking down the main corridor, opening random doors.

"How 'bout this one?" suggests Yao and opens a blue door. They look in and see a man and a woman in Victorian British clothes, holding hands while staring at each other lovingly.

"Oh, Elisabeth!" sighs the man. "I love you so much!"

"Oh, Darcy!" sighs the woman. "I love you too!"

They lean in for a kiss, when suddenly, Elisabeth spots the uninvited visitors. "EEEEEKKK!"

Everyone jumps, mr Darcy the highest, since his ear was about 10 centimetres from Elisabeth's mouth. "Gosh, Lizzie! You've made me deaf on my right ear!"

"Huh? We were just coming into a romantic snogging scene, and then we get interrupted, and you give _me _a lecture! Ugh! Men are scum!"

She slaps mr Darcy. He gets a look that reminds Mulan, Mervyn, Ling, Yao and Chien-Po of a kicked puppy. They make big goo-goo eyes. "Awww!"

Mulan rushes forward, pushes Elisabeth out of the way, winks at mr Darcy and says seductively: "Don't worry honey, if she doesn't want you, I certainly do!"

Mr Darcy doesn't look so sad anymore, when he gets his eyes on the sexy Chinese warrior chick. He smiles a goofy smile. "Really?"

Mulan laughs evilly. "No, of course not! You look like a geek, and Englishmen have never been my type anyway. Too much tea, and an awful accent. (2)"

Mr Darcy's eyes turn into those of a puppy dog a second time while his under lip starts shivering, and Elisabeth pats his back while glaring at Mulan, which joins her pals and sneak away before you can say 'this has got nothing to do with the plot!'.

Mervyn speaks up. "Hey guys, maybe we should contact the others to see if they've found something?"

"Good idea!" Yao grabs his Cool Walkie-Talkie and presses the Not-So-Cool turnip-shaped button on it. "Hello? Anyone there?"

"_I am here!" _a whiny voice can be heard. They all recognize it immediately and groan.

"PLEASE, Chi Fu, stay out of this!" grumbles Ling. "You're nothing but a pain in the ass anyway."

"_What? You asked if anyone was there, and I answered!" _the council continues. _"And you're not especially great either, leaving me with this creature that's trying to bite me every twentieth second and pees on all flower pots we pass! If I had been in charge – Yeow!"_ His little monologue ends up in a cry of pain. The others figure that it must be Pokey gnawing on Chi Fu's leg and get a good laugh.

Yao presses the Not-So-Cool turnip-shaped button again, so that they won't have to listen to Chi Fu anymore.

"Why is he with anyway?" wonders Chien-Po. "He's not making much sense."

Mushu appears from the palace's library, where he's been kicking the Tooth Fairy's and the Easter Bunny's asses in billiards. "Actually, Chi Fu's with because it stands in the script." He holds up his battered copy of The Script and starts reading loud. "_There has to be an annoying guy in a funny hat that sucks up to the emperor all the time and thinks that he's worth something. _He was the best candidate for the job, fitted perfectly."

"Ah."

Then, Mulan, Mervyn, Ling, Yao and Chien-Po decide that they're hungry.

"We're hungry!" they whine.

"Do not despair", says Mushu and strikes a heroic pose, "because I, the great dragon and substitute-director Mushu, will save you!"

(If Shang had been there, and had had his old brain back, he might have told the others that Mushu looked very much like Harry Potter in chapter 14.)

"Oh yeah?" Mulan raises an eyebrow. "And how will you do that?"

"Why, I'll show you the way to McDonald's, of course." And Mushu leads the way to said fast-food restaurant, where they find the rest of the army playing with their Ninja Turtles. At first, Mulan isn't very happy with them, but since she discovers how fun it is to smack nunchakus into the heads of your friends, she warms up to the idea and they all have a good time.

And that's where we leave them, until next chapter's here.

* * *

(1) _Is_ 'plumbering' a word? These annoying red lines (you know, the ones that mean there is a spelling mistake) come up under it when I write it, but to me, it doesn't _sound _that strange.

(2) I have NOTHING against the English accent. In fact, I kind of like it. You see, every time I watch TV, and suddenly someone starts talking British English, I get really happy and start bouncing up and down while still listening carefully… Weird, I know, but that's how I am. You have to be a little weird to write a story like this one…


	18. The Final Battle? Are you kidding me

Yes, all good things must come to an end… I really will miss this story, writing it has been a part of my life for one and a half years. I don't think that there will be a sequel, since this is a parody of the movie and not a "standing alone" story. Of course, I could write a parody of _Mulan 2_, but it wouldn't be the same.

For the last time, I own nothing except for Mervyn, The Director, Doctor Chun Tin, the nervous Stranger, the words of "plumbering" and "unlogical", and a lot of objects, such as the Very Groovy Car. Mervyn's my favourite character. I'd like to use him in some other story one day… If you want to borrow him, or something else that is mine, please contact me first.

Okay, so 'plumbering' isn't a word. Thanks **Iri **and** Zimmie **for pointing that out!

I know nothing about Swiss folk dances. In this chapter, I'm just poking fun at it – no harm intended.

**Chapter 18: The Final Battle? Are you kidding me, man?**

The army shows no sign of stopping their childish behaviour and get a life, or at least keep to the Script. Even Mushu seems to have a hard time to throw his Raphael away and make the others do what they're paid for (even though Walt Disney Pictures doesn't pay them very much). Since the movie won't EVER get finished if the situation doesn't change, the author decides to step in. She starts typing her keyboard furiously while snickering madly…

"Everybody stay calm, we're taking over from here!" a familiar voice can be heard. Yep, that's right – Robin Hood and his merry men are back!

The Chinese dudes stare at them stupidly. "Back?"

Little John looks impatient. "Yes, yes, we're back. Unless you're looking at a bunch of clones right now…"

"Anyway", starts Robin Hood, "do you have anything that we'd like to steal? We've already searched through most of the palace, but I think we could manage to bring a bit more home to Sherwood Forest."

The Englishmen are carrying a lot of pot plants (including the emperor's prize-winning black and white chess-patterned roses), five DarkWing Duck comic books, 'Mona Lisa' by Leonardo da Vinci, the One Ring, the Holy Grail, half a jar of pizza sauce, a very valuable statue, a not-so-valuable red lamp, fifteen bricks, a fire alarm, two very confused kangaroos, 65 cd's with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, a map over New Zealand, an signed poster of Jacques Cousteau, a little model of the Star ship Enterprise made of jelly, the emperor's collection of stamps with pictures of famous engine drivers, a gold fish bowl with an octopus in it, a pair of blue glittery boots with stiletto heels, and a rugby ball signed by the Icelandic rugby team.

Robin Hood and his merry men notice the army staring. "What?"

Chien-Po speaks up. "Um… what are you guys going to DO with all this stuff?"

Robin Hood looks offended. "'Do'? What do you mean, 'do'? We're robbers, we do not steal because we'll USE the things, we do it because of the principal. It's in the blood, that's our job. Although, Lady Marian would look ravishing in those stiletto boots…"

Mulan makes a face of disgust. "Ugh."

Brother Tuck spots the Ninja Turtles that the army got in their Happy Meals. "Hey you guys! They've got Ninja Turtles!"

"Yay!" shout the merry men, and before the Chinese people can say… Um… (Damn, I've run out of things that people don't have time to say!) Whatever, they're stuck to the ceiling with string cheese and their beloved turtles are under the command of Robin Hood. If it's possible to have stuffed green ninja warriors under one's command, that is.

Since the army have no more maturity than three months-old babies (if not less), they start yelling and crying immediately.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I want my Leonardo/Donatello/Raphael/Michelangelo back!"

"Ha ha ha! In your dreams, suckers!" shout the evil robbers and leave, still laughing manically.

The army cannot get down by themselves, like the incapable twits that they are, so the author writes the string cheese out of the story.

The army falls to the floor. "AAAHHHH!" (THUD)

oooooooooo

Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12 enters the palace through the back door. How did they get in? Let's jump back in time a few minutes…

**FLASHBACK**

"Shan-Yu, I really don't want to do this", whines Hun # 12. "It's ridiculous. I've already tripped on the hem of this dress twice."

"Yeah, and this purse doesn't match my shoes", says Hun # 3. "I mean c'mon, a BLUE purse and ORANGE stilettos! People will think that I have no taste at all!"

"Shut up!" hisses Shan-Yu. "How many times do I have to tell you? We'll only be cross-dressing for a few minutes. We're disguised as gypsy dancers so that we can get into the palace without the guards suspecting something."

"But I can't dance!" whines Hun # 18.

"Well, neither can I, but that's irrelevant right now", snarls his boss. "Anyway, I don't think that _anyone _of us knows how to dance."

"Actually, I do", says Hun # 11. "I know how to dance a Swiss folk dance."

"And how many gypsy dancers dance a Swiss folk dance?" asks Hun # 3 sarcastically. Hun # 11 pokes his tongue out at him.

"Sharpen up!" barks Shan-Yu. "Now, we have to trick the palace guards!"

They walk up the stairs, and get stopped by the guards.

"Stop! Who're you?" asks Guard # 5.

"We're nothing but gypsy dancers", squeaks Shan-Yu in, what he hopes, is a girly voice. To everyone else, he sounds like a dying cat. "Really, we are. And women, too. That's why we're wearing dresses."

Guard # 4 raises an eyebrow. "I see. Why don't you dance a little?"

The Huns stiffen, but Shan-Yu pokes # 11 with his elbow and whispers: "# 11, do your thing now!"

Hun # 11 gulps, but takes a step forward and starts dancing the Swiss folk dance. It goes like this:

1. Clasp your hands behind your back.

2. Close your right eye.

3. Poke your tongue out.

4. Start running in circles backwards.

5. Close the circle.

6. Make a pirouette.

7. Sound like a pig.

8. 'Run at the spot' while kicking your self's bum.

9. Do the splits while unclasping your hands and put them up in the air.

10. Scream "TADAAA!" (In a very Swiss way.)

The Guards and the Huns stare at # 11. (And can you blame them?)

Hun # 12 recovers first. Even though he never liked the gypsy dancers-idea, he does have his loyalty to Shan-Yu and # 11, plus that he doesn't want to rotten away in one of the palace's dungeons. "See? A typical gypsy dance. Now, if you'd be so kind and let us in, we'll entertain the emperor on his birthday."

He then, with the help of Hun # 11, ushers Shan-Yu and Hun # 3 and 18 into the palace. The guards still stand paralyzed.

**END FLASHBACK**

"So, boss, what's our next step?" asks Hun # 18.

"Well, let's find the army and – " He stops talking as Robin Hood and his merry men rush past with all their stolen goods. He doesn't open his mouth again until they've disappeared around the corner. "Eh… where was I?"

"You said that we should find the army", Hun # 3 helps him out.

"Oh yeah. First, we'll find the army, then we beat the crap outta them, and then we'll find the emperor which we'll put up for auction on eBay."

"Right", says Hun # 12 in a sarcastic voice. "What are we going to write? 'Chinese emperor, as good as new. Can be used as a break dancer and won't sleep on the job. Comes with a free set of yellow robes, a silly medallion and a pointy hat.'"

"Why not?"

And that's where they run into the army, which is groaning and moaning with pain since their fall to the floor.

Mervyn notices the Huns first, and squeals like a really cowardly girl that's spotting a mouse. "Eeep! It's the Huns!"

"Ha-HA!" laughs Shan-Yu and draws his sword, which falls off of the hiltand falls clattering to the floor. "Eh… Oops. Um… A new sword, Idun?"

Oh no, absolutely not. I've helped you enough already. Think for yourself for once! I mean, how hard can it be to come up with a brilliant idea to kick the Good Guys' butts?

Shan-Yu stares at me stupidly.

(Sigh) Never mind. Mushu, what's in the script?

Our favourite dragon takes his dog-eared, dirty script and gets to the right page. "Hm, scene 18… Oh yeah. So as not to seriously hurt the actors, we shall make this up with a pillow fight." Barely has he finished the sentence, until he's hit in the head with a pink pillow. "Okay, this means war!"

Mulan raises an eyebrow. "You don't say?"

Soon, everyone's having the time of their lives, doing their best to beat the shit out of each other using very soft and fluffy pillows. Mervyn smacks his baby blue one in Hun # 12's face, whereupon Hun # 13 gets revenge by hitting Soldier # 4 in the back of his head with his orange pillow, so that the Chinese guy's glasses fall off. Mulan proves to be really professional. But, as it turns out, it seems that everyone's so busy smacking everything in sight that they've totally forgotten that they actually are on different teams. Something that doesn't make the situation better is that more people have joined in, people that we've met before but hasn't got anything to do with the movie. Some of these are Pocahontas, Saruman, Doctor Chun Tin and Harry Potter and his trusty sidekicks. Even Soldier # 2 has figured out some wicked way to get back into the story.

The author is tired of breaking up all sorts of chaos, and stands on the line of insanity (as if I haven't been there for a long time by now!) when something appears. Or rather some_one._

"Hello everyone! I've finally found my bike. Some idiot had hidden it in the bushes!"

That's right – the Director has showed up again and is back in business! (You didn't think I'd end this story without him, now did you?)

Idun cries with happiness. If someone can get all these weird people to behave, it's him!

The Director immediately starts doing his work. "Okay all of you! STOP FIGHTING!"

They all freeze and gape at the Director. "Boss, you're back!"

"Damn right I am! Now, I'll fix some order. Those of you who aren't in the script, sod off. The rest of you can come here and form a circle around me!"

Although Mervyn isn't in the actual script, he's been with for so long that everyone considers him as part of the gang. The Director accepts that and doesn't kick him out. When he hears that Shan-Yu's army is on strike, he sighs but says no more. He frowns when he sees Pokey and hears the story about Doctor Chun Tin, but since there isn't anything to do about it, he makes no further comments and lets Pokey lick the back of his hand. Then he starts organizing.

"Huns, go to that side of the room, and then take some battle positions, Shan-Yu in the lead. Try to look mean and threatening. The rest of you, draw your swords and then face the Huns as one man."

Mulan clears her throat. The Director corrects himself. "– and one woman. Of course. "

Mervyn raises one hand. The Director turns to him. "Yes?"

"I don't have a sword, but can I use thegearshiftfrom my bus instead?"

"Sure, whatever. So, what are you waiting for? To your positions!"

The Chinese guys and the Huns go to their places. The Director gives them some last instructions. "Okay, now it's time for the Great Battle Scene. You rush towards each other and start fighting when I say 'action'. No, not now, Hun # 12, you jerk! And Chi Fu, keep that dog in check. Are you ready, everyone? ACTION!"

The two teams runs against the middle of the room while shouting their battle cries.

"All power for the Huns!"

"Slaughter the barbarians!"

"Blood, sweat and violence!"

"Bus power!"

"For Rohan, home of the horse lords!"

"Wrong movie."

"Oops."

The Huns and the Chinese army meet and start battling each other. Mervyn proves to be a real fighter with the gearshift. Chien-Po uses the good old pick-up-your-enemies-and-throw-them-out-the-window-technique. Yao points behind the Huns and says: "Look, a pink elephant!" Since the Huns aren't the brightest crayons in the box, they buy it, and Yao hits them in the back of their heads. Pokey simply bites the Huns in sensitive areas, and Ling's throwing pies in their faces. Mulan sneaks up on them from behind and kicks the back of their knees, so that they fall to the ground.

Since the Chinese people outnumber the Huns, and the "good guys" don't use very fair methods, it doesn't take long before the fight is finished.

"What now, boss?" asks Mulan.

The Director doesn't notice, since he seems to be searching for something. He's leaning out the window and frowns.

"Boss? Hello-o?"

"Hm?" says the Director and lifts a paper basket with a thoughtful expression, takes a look under it and puts it down again.

"Earth to the Director! Please respond!"

Finally, the Director turns around and looks at her. "Yeah, yeah, what _is _it? I ain't deaf, you know!"

"Oh no, of course you're not," mumbles Yao.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing at all…"

"What are you looking for, boss?" asks Mervyn.

"You see, for the next shot, we need the emperor," answers the Director. "But I cannot seem to find him."

"And he would hide under the paper basket?" whispers Ling to Mulan.

"Has anyone seen him?" continues the Director.

"Well, some chapters ago, he was on the street doing break dance," Soldier # 3 tells him.

"But now I am here!" shouts a falsetto voice, and the Number One Guy of China enters the room. He's giggling furiously and seems to be full of energy.

The Director takes a look at him and sighs. "Well, an emperor on a sugar high is better than no emperor at all."

"So, what'll happen next?" wonders Soldier # 15.

"The Script says that the emperor shall reward you all for saving the country. Then everyone shall bow to Mulan –"

"As if," mutters Mervyn.

"– and she'll take off for home during applauds. Captain Shang, who's gotten a crush on her, goes after her and gets himself invited to dinner, as the sneaky bastard he is."

"Oh no!" shouts Mulan. "There is No Way In Hell that I'll let myself be followed by a mad dog-guy. Forget it. The Script must be changed!"

The Director sighs. Again. "Why not? It's not like it has been kept to anyway. How 'bout, the emperor rewards everyone, then all of you take in at hotel Waldorf-Astoria and celebrate that this freakin' movie has finally come to an end. What do you say?"

"Yay!" everyone shout.

And so, the emperor gives (usually cheap) presentsto everyone.

Shan-Yu and his men get a free journey back to Mongolia (sure, they are the bad guys, but for being evil, they actually are quite nice, don't you think?) with SAS, which is quite weird since SAS stands for Scandinavian Airlines System.

Chi Fu gets a new, red hat which is even uglier than the old one.

Mervyn gets his own medal with the inscription of _Our Favourite Bus Driver_.

Pokey gets a new, nice collar.

Mulan gets her debts to the library repaid.

Mushu gets an apron with the text _Kiss the Cook._

Yao gets asubscription for_Cosmopolitan. _

Ling gets a laptop, on which he later will write silly fan fiction parodies.

Chien-Po gets a black and white cow called Rosie.

Cri-Kee gets some Aspirin.

All the soldiers get t-shirts with the text: _I love NY._

Then, the Director calls for sixteen cabs that'll take them all to Waldorf-Astoria where they will have a happy evening with much alcohol. They all wave to the author and the Director when they leave.

As soon as they're gone, the Director lets out a relieved sigh. "Peace. At last."

THE END

* * *

Thank you for reading **How the movie Mulan was made**. Thanks for all reviews you've left, and thanks to you guys that stuck around, even when I didn't update for months. I couldn't have finished it without your support. I really hope that all of you readers out there have gotten some good laughs.

Please leave one last review!

Idun


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